Thursday, January 15, 2009
How to Get Over a Crush
I’m a big fan of wikiHow, and this morning one of the “how-to” topics offered by this great site was “How to Stop Having an Inappropriate Crush.” Some of the advice in this posting was quite helpful, don’t get me wrong. But I have a feeling that a lot of people hoping to get help from this wikiHow will be disappointed.
The main premise of the article was “Having a crush on someone is not the problem. The real issue is your own restraint and self-control.” In my experience, most people are okay with exercising restraint when they are obsessed with the wrong person. Most times it’s painfully obvious there’s no way you can act on your feelings. You can’t hit on your married boss, you can’t ask out Robert Pattinson. You don’t need someone to tell you, like in this article, to focus on all the reasons why your crush is hopeless. Usually that’s painfully obvious.
I suspect people googling “how to get over a crush” are most interested in making the feelings go away. Unfortunately, the article only addressed the issue this way: “If you’ve tried to fight it, all to no avail, and you still find yourself sighing over him/her, then make it right.” Well, there’s usually no way to “make it right”—your boss is happily married, and Robert Pattinson is not going to go out with you.
As a person who has experienced four decades of inappropriate crushes, I can only speak from my own personal experience and share what has helped me. So here goes:
1. Don’t make yourself feel worse by beating yourself up. Having a crush is not a sin, it’s just feelings, and people can’t help their feelings. Infatuations are a natural part of being human, and no one is exempt. If you’re crushing on the next door neighbor in spite of your being happily married, don’t interpret it as a sign your marriage is failing. As the saying goes, you are married, not dead. You will still respond emotionally to attractiveness in other males, and that says nothing about the strength of your marriage.
2. Try to keep in mind that you are probably not really in love with a real person, but rather you are in love with what him/her represents to you. This is especially the case with celebrity crushes, but usually just as true with other infatuations. As you read this, you may be balking at the idea, but that’s because you don’t want to let go of the hope that this “awesome person” is really as awesome as they seem to you. But read on as to why what I’m telling you is actually good news.
3. Work on disassociating the idea of the person you adore from the flesh-and-blood individual. Think about this: have you ever really loved a character in a book? Thought about actually being with that person? Wasn’t it fun to imagine, even though you knew full well that wonderful character was just “pretend”? Well, your fantasies about your crush are like that. If you find it hard not to fantasize about the person, work on being happy just enjoying pretending about them. And remember, in real life, being with the person would doubtless not be as wonderful as your fantasies, in which you can imagine him/her as perfect for you.
4. Rejoice that the pretend version of your crush truly does belong to you. As my regular blog readers know, I’m a believer in the theories of psychoanalyst Carl Jung (and I wrote a book about this stuff called Living Beyond Reality). Jungian psychology teaches that each of us has an opposite sex aspect to our personality buried in the unconscious, called the animus/anima. The only way we interact with that “person,” that lost part of our psyche, is by projecting it on others. If the object of your infatuation seems perfect for you, that’s because you’re projecting your animus/anima upon him/her, seeing those qualities your soul most longs for, your very heart’s desire. No wonder it’s so wrong, but feels so right! Well, it takes lots of practice, but you can learn to recognize that the person you feel you adore is not actually Robert Pattinson, but this inner male ideal that is, in a real sense, your soul mate. He’s already yours, always has been, always will be. He is an autonomous part of yourself, you and yet not you.
I realize #4 is a very new concept to most people, but believe me, if you can get your mind around it, nothing works better for dealing with inappropriate crushes. If you find the idea just too far out there, then go back to #3, which is just another version of #4. The point is to diminish the pain of your crush by feeling like you have control. Rather than pining for someone you can’t have, you take the whole thing into the realm of imagination, where all the control belongs to you.
If you still don’t like the idea of letting go of “the real person,” I suggest you take a cold, hard look at the real person and try to find his/her flaws. Because I guarantee you, there are things about that guy or girl that would disappoint you if you really had to live with him or her. Apply yourself conscientiously to this exercise and you’ll figure out that your pretend version of the person is actually more fun “to be with,” even if you have to sacrifice the benefits of real flesh-and-blood.
Here’s one bonus tip for you: If you feel any interest going on in your mind towards a less problematic individual, then try to redirect your attention there. It’s the basic principle that “the universe abhors a vacuum”...it’s hard to replace a crush with nothing, but substituting a different crush can work. So, for example, if you’re pining for Robert Pattinson, see if you can’t obsess instead on the character of Edward Cullen as you personally dream him to be.
Dealing with a troublesome crush is never easy! But there are things you can do to help yourself. Good luck!
ADDENDUM 8/31/09: As you can see by the abundance of comments to this post, a lot of people have come to me with specific advice for their problems. Before you post asking for my help, I want to remind you that I'm just an author, and this post was meant to share some concepts that have been helpful to me and may be helpful to you. If you are truly tormented by an infatuation you can't shake, PLEASE SEE A PROFESSIONAL. I feel for you, but I'm severely limited in my ability to help...this is just a blog, and I'm just a fellow human wanting to present some tips that might work for you.
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72 comments:
I can't believe someone would want to get over a CRUSH. Those seem pretty harmless to me. It's not like an emotional affair, where people give a part of themselves and their lives that is inappropriate. People tend to get very hurt in an emotional affair.
But a crush? Aw shucks it's just fun!
REALLY BAD, I can vouch for why people seek a way to get over them. They can be mighty painful if you're a person like me. But I do agree with you, people often make it worse for themselves by taking the situation more seriously than they should. A sense of humor helps, and above all, you shouldn't beat yourself up for feeling what you do.
Well since I googled "how to get over a crush" because I've been in hellish pain for the last several days -- thank you thank you for these tips. I have desperately looked for help on the web. It helps to at least have a reality check. I'm an adult but this crush has been worse than a bout of the flu.
Aw, Anonymous, I feel your pain. Age doesn't much matter, it can happen to anyone. And is definitely worse than flu (and harder to shake!). I'm glad the post was of some help, and I hope things get better. Do what you can, and don't be too hard on yourself, and give it time. Best of luck!
I'm a pretty reasonable person, but I've definitely had some real doozies crush-wise! They don't call it a crush for nothin' ;) But these really are good tips! The worst part about crushes is how addicting they are. All the endorphins, and perhaps even the rush of the forbidden...sometimes, like the flu, all you can do is wait for it to pass! Ugh!!
I know, but, unlike the flu, you can't be sure it will be gone in 3-10 days. Time does indeed heal everything eventually and sometimes there's nothing else to do. I hate those kind of crushes! Fortunately a lot of them are the kind you really can fight off successfully if you have the motivation. Misery can be powerful motivation, I've found in my life! :-)
i understand the comments about replacing one crush for another, but what if you have had this crush for over 2 years!
i look at this particular man, and i know that i could keep on looking at him everyday and never get bored. how do i get over it and move on? i've even thought about getting a job on his team when i leave uni, because i'll be working in the same medical environment that he does.
how can i get back to being sane and stop being pathetic!
Anonymous, you are not crazy OR pathetic. Obviously your feeling bad about this demonstrates you recognize the non-desirability of your crush, and are therefore neither one.
The fact that you still cling to this crush just shows it is meeting some need you have that isn't getting met anywhere else. Sometimes that can be a clue: I once got over a three-year crush by (a) having it finally sink in that it was bringing me more grief than joy and (b) figuring out there WERE other ways I could meet that need.
Sometimes it just comes down to that: Realizing the pain just isn't worth it, and acting out of self-preservation. It's really rough when you have to take it to that point before finding a "cure," but sometimes you do!
In the meantime, try to be as practical as possible in your big-life decisions. Choices like that should be made with the head and not the heart...you'll be glad you did!
These are simplistic suggestions for what can be a complex issue, but hopefully it's some food for thought. Wish I could be more help, and best wishes!
Well, thanks for the article. Its helpful and I can relate to what youre saying.
I have recent crush and theres certainly an attraction between us, but I know he is in a committed relationship. He seems to feel the same way for me, but I am a alot younger than him and am reluctant and even a little intimidated by this attraction I have towards him.
My attraction to him bothers me because when I think Im over him, Im actually not. I also hardly cant bear to look at him without having the nerve to flirt and the attraction is so obvious it hurts. But I feel like its a infatuation more than anything else.
What do I do?
Well, Anonymous, I'm a fiction author and not a counselor (should of thought of that before writing this blog post, LOL)...but with the limited space here and not knowing you or the situation well, I guess I'll say this: All you can do is make sure you don't do anything that you might regret later, and trust that something/someone else will come along to take the place of this guy in your life. Day to day that's easier said than done. But feelings never last forever, even when they seem so much bigger than your rational will does.
Hopefully you have someone closer to you than me to confide in about this and provide support. I'm rooting for you, hang in there!
I've had a crush for going on 2 years now. In that time period I've found someone that actually makes me happy and I love being around. I've had many thoughts as to why I'm putting myself through all this pain and it's great to have some validation on the idea that if I were a guy I would want to be just like him. I would! He's everything I would want to be. That's great!
That is great, Anonymous! I hope you can continue to work everything out and leave the pain behind.
Found this blog by googling, great blog! I find I have developed a crush on a married coworker that I only worked with 5 days on a special project. No ring, and he didn't mention a wife until the third day. Unfair. On the fourth day at a group dinner after work, he chose to sit by me instead of his wife of 24 years. Sigh. And he lives 5,000 miles away. I haven't had a crush on anyone in many, many, years. What's wrong with me?
Thanks, Anonymous! And you're right, that IS unfair. How's a woman to guard her emotions without all the facts? There's nothing wrong with you...you just met a guy who possessed a certain set of traits that were especially significant and attractive to you. And he just happened to be married. If it's any consolation, there is some likelihood that had you gotten to know him better, he would have revealed himself to not be the perfect dream lover he seemed to be for five days. Still, it's not easy getting over an experience like that! One day you'll be able to look back on it bittersweetly, but that day may be a little while in coming. In the meantime, hang in there!
sThank you very much for your response -- you are very kind! It seems the hardest thing about getting over the crush, is not taking the rejection personally. He's back in his home office and there has been no attempt to email or chat. I really thought I saw something, and if I didn't, then why did he chose to sit next to me, instead of his wife, at dinner? That part really throws me.
Can't be sure not having observed directly, but I can think of a couple of possibilities. One, he really did like you and is not keeping up the contact because he needs to get over you. Two, he's not quite so honorable, and was just enjoying the mutual attraction for awhile but has no interest in more than that. Either way, I doubt that you were mistaken about the signals he sent you!
Thank you again, your responses have been very helpful. I think I will go with explanation that he needs to get over me. That's somehow a comforting thought. :)
Thank you so much!
I'm happy I could help a little! What will help the most is time. And in the meantime, keep up the positive thoughts about yourself!
*sigh* ive had this crush for nearly 3 years, and im with someone now, and im happy but the guy im crushing on likes someone else, and i know theres no way i could be with him but the feelings wont go away- also, i cant find any faults in him. he is my friend.. now what??
That is one rough situation, Confused...mostly because you have to keep relating to the guy in the context of your friendship. I know someone who had feelings for a married woman for years, even after he found a lifelong partner himself. It took time with the new person for him to let go of the old one, but if your new guy is right for you, being with him will eventually help you set aside your feelings for your friend. Sometimes it just takes time (I say that a lot, don't i?)
Hey there...i found your post when googling. i recently found out from a good friend who i always hang out with that my crush sort of confess to her. My friend didnt know i have a crush on him. I didnt know it would hurt so much. It so painful that i keep feeling like crying nowadays. This crush of mine is a really good friend that i always chat to online and we are in the same classes.So its really hard to get over these feeling while trying to stay friend with him...knowing that he like someone else.
It IS really hard, Troubled. Nearly everyone has been there, and there's nothing quite like the pain of seeing someone you wish was yours pursuing someone else. My personal experience is that eventually the psyche reaches a sort of "saturation point" of misery and just lets go of the crush at last. I know that's not much comfort right now...but this too shall pass!
Thanks for the post!
I will definitely try to follow all your advice - been crushing on this older guy I can't have, and probably will never meet again, for about 3 months now. I think having a crush when being a teenager is worse in some ways, because people just see it as more normal, and don't realize how these can consume you :/.
What would you do, by the way, if your crush was (in your eyes) the most handsome guy on the planet, (yes, more than Orlando Bloom and Brad Pitt) and that was the reason you fell in love with them to begin with?
Anonymous, you're right...as the song says, people call it "puppy love" and brush it off as no big deal. But I remember crushes I had as a teenager, and getting over them was just as agonizing as it is for adults!
Actually, I tend to find whoever I'm crushing on ALWAYS seems like the most handsome person in the universe. (Please see http://eroticawithsoul.blogspot.com/2008/10/that-face-heaven-save-me.html, LOL!) It's not till after I'm over it that I realize I might have been wrong...and even then, they look good to me ever after. :-)
Thank you so much for your tips. My crush has been going well over 15 years now, i thought this feeling would be jading away as time pass by, but I was wrong. I had spoken to this person 4 times which is about 10 yrs ago, and it wasn't very pleasant conversation either, but my feelings are very strong for this person, and this person has so much impact on my life (made me a self trained philosopher). I am trying to rationalize my feelings, and your tips gave me little more to think about, but "finding replacement", i don't think that is workable in my case, since i tried
here is my dilemma
1. i want her to be happy, and i don't want to interfere in her life, which was my motivation to stay away from her sight
2. her name kept resounding in my head, and i can't count how many times i think of this person hourly (this is going well over decades)
3. i get occasional dream having conversation with this person, and when that happens and i hate waking up in the morning
4. I don't really believe in the spiritual things, but this person made me doubt about "soul mate"
5. I am finding myself having conversation with the imagination of this person most the time, just like in the movie "the beautiful mind". No, I am not having schizophrenia (sometimes I wish I was)
is this a crush or obsession? oh I just completely lost myself?
Yours is a classic case, Wandering Soul, of what Carl Jung called "anima possession" (or if one is a female, "animus possession"). You may balk at hearing it, but the person with whom you have been entranced all these years is actually an aspect of yourself...your anima or animus...whom you see in the form of the woman you long for.
Normally the initial reaction to this is, "oh, but it's not me, s/he's someone else than me, I know it!" and in a sense that is very true--s/he's not you, the anima is internal but autonomous. She will seem very much outside of you and resident in the person upon whom you are fixated.
But the key to dealing with this is finding a way to recognize that the person you feel you are in love with already belongs to you and is part of you. It is a matter too deep and complex to deal with in a blog comment, but I wrote a book on it called "Living Beyond Reality," and it is also discussed and examined a lot in my novel "Looking on Darkness." I'm sure there is information on the web about the anima/animus as well.
I too am "animus possessed," as are many people, it's just that in my case the real person that I see in this role (Jung calls it projection) varies over time. But I know how intense it can be and sometimes mine have lasted five years. Learning to understand the phenomenon and apply it to life took me many years. But it does help when things happen like has happened to you!
I'm heartbroken.
I moved schools about 2 and a half years ago now, and upon going to a new friends house, instantly started to crush on his sister. Turns out she is going out with my other friend, which didn't discourage me one bit. Within the next year, she broke up and got back together with him twice, and is now currently single. It is a well known fact (Among our social group) exactly how I feel about her. What has made me decide to post is that tonight, while I'm sitting here at my desk, my best friends phone goes off and, of course, I take a look at the message. It was to do with the event we all had planned tomorrow, but upon entering my friends inbox, I discovered alot of text messages from my crush to my best friend (who is currently in a relationship) telling him that he is what she looks for in a relationship, and all that jazz....
She rejected me four times.....
I need to get rid of this crush, it hurts so much to know that she would never accept me, but I can't just walk away from her....There's something about her that I like, her quirks, her glasses, she's just pretty, and oddly different to anyone I've ever met.....I can't take the pain anymore...I almost beat my best friend up while he was sleeping, but decided to google for some help....
Wow, A.B.H., your story just made me feel awful...you've been through a lot! Well, I've said it before in the comments: I'm a fiction author and not a counselor or psychologist, and although there's not a lot I can do, I do sympathize.
In your case I would want to say though, try as hard as you can to make your choices and decisions based on thinking rather than feeling. I know you resisted the temptation to violence already and that's good! Feelings come and go (and believe it or not, your infatuation WILL go eventually), so it's important to act wisely so that when the emotions pass you can look back on your behavior and know you made rational choices. Wish I could be of more help!
Ah, thank you so much for this article. I'm in such a wonderful relationship right now, going on 6 years, and just recently developed a ridiculous crush on a mutual friend of ours. It just came out of the blue and hit me like a ton of bricks- he went from dorky friend to handsome and debonair over night! I was really beating myself up over it, feeling like I was intentionally trying to sabotage myself and my relationship or somesuch. However, your article is already helping me realize I was overreacting, and the more I think about it, it really does seem like he's a male version of me in many ways. Too funny. Okay, I think I can cope with hanging out with him again later without being too upset over my heart skipping a beat and clenching up with the agony of unrequited crush-dom!
I have to say, Anonymous, your comment was very cheering to me! There have been so many people posting lately who are in pretty tough spots and I'm frustrated I'm not really in a position to be a great deal of help. So it's fantastic to hear the blog post helped you so much. Sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. You know, if one manages it correctly, these "silly" crushes can actually be fun and not at all harmful to one's other relationships. It's always nice when that happens!
I have been searching for ways to get over a certain crush. over the years, i have had a 5 years crush on this guy, then i got over it because we moved (i didn't have a choice), now i am 26 years old with a steady job and i have had a crush on this guy for more then 6 years. i have a thing with being in love and i take it very seriously. i don't know whats wrong with me, sometimes i feel like i can't concentrate on anything but him. i think my relationship with him over the years has made me realize that i have fallen for him and that i would be the only one to know how to treat him well because i've always been there for him. one more thing, he's my cousin; how do you get over such thing. is it because im a transgender? please i need help....
add on to my previous comment...
i have also neglected being with my friends because of my embarrassing crush, i have found that all i could wish for was being with him and no one else. i am the queen on having long term crush on guys but this by far is the craziest i have ever gotten myself into. any med. that can help with this sort of thing... thnx
Wow, Anonymous, your situation definitely calls for my frequent declaration "I'm a fiction author, not a counselor"! I have to say, you are in over your head for sure. Seriously, this whole situation is clearly preventing you from attaining happiness. In going through your gender change, I imagine you had some counseling for dealing with that process. I recommend going back to that person, or finding someone else you can trust, and getting help and advice. Only with face-to-face assistance will you be able to work through your difficulties. I wish you all the best!
Hi everyone... I also found this blog by googling after the worst 4 days of my life.
Im a really organised person in a very long term relationship. Iwill adnit to being a complete control freak.
Ive been having physio for 6 months with a pretty rubbish physio. Hes not my type at all. Hes 10 years younger than me and recently married.
I was 3 stone over weight and the shame of being pummelled by a bloke was the catalyst to losing weight. Ive lost 20lbs in 10 weeks.
Ive had so much personal misery in this past year and its been nice to have these 30 minutes a week of "me" time with this funny but soft speaking "stranger".
I had been unaware of a crush until he told me last week that he can only treat me once more as hes emigrating. I was fine for an hour or so then went into self-pity phase.
Hes always been a good laugh, hes never inappropriate or given me any collywobbles at all.
I was so upset at the thought of losing his attention that my husband asked if I was having a crush. It was then that my emotions went into over-drive and raised the physio from married fuzzy headed college kid to mega God.
Ive spent all weekend sobbing, sleeping or feeling sick.
I rang this morning to see if he could fit me in before he goes but hes on a course and his secretary told me that hes already transferred me to a female colleague.
Im hoping that the rejection means I can now start to hate him and the pain will go away. ;0)
I send big vibes to anyone going through this. Its a real bummer.
xxx
Ugh, Anonymous, that's horrible! I know what you mean about the hate phase...sometimes that's the best and quickest cure! Best of luck to you.
Thank you so much for responding. I had been googling on Carl Jung on Anima, to understand myself better.
Just my luck, while I was doing research on Anima to understand myself & my feelings better, I ran in to this person again after 10 yrs. I couldn't talk to her at all that day. Then I felt bad for not even saying "hi" to this person (I felt as if we have become stranger than strangers), so I facebooked her explaining why i didn't say hi etc etc, and she responded and it was very mature and pleasant response. Then I responded back again, and I haven't got any response back for few days now. I don't know why i am expecting a message from her, I just can't understand myself, I am waiting for her response as if nothing else matters in my life.
I kept repeating to myself, she is just a appearance of my anima, but I don't think that helps at all.
You mentioned, this is not counseling forum, but what I am trying to do is, trying to find the root cause of my feeling, so that I can address the problem, and get control of my life
I'm really glad, Wandering Soul, that you looked further into Jungian theory on this. Sadly though, understanding what's going on anima-wise is not necessarily going to make everything all better quickly. It's still very hard to get your emotions to follow what your head is telling them, and like I said above, it can take years, and may require professional counseling.
Diana,
How kind of you to post such heartfelt responses to each and every comment! You certainly opened a can of worms with this topic. ;) I'll confess that I, too, actually googled "how to get over a crush" out of desperation. Your blog post was the only advice that really did something for me. I have been separated for about four months, and am in the process of a divorce. I thought it would be a long, long time before I would even be capable of having feelings for someone else, but I recently reunited with an old friend from college who I hadn't seen for 6 years, as I happened to be traveling to the city he lives in and suggested that we get together. I had kept in touch a little bit, and had always been fond of him, but I was blown away by the effect he had on me--I didn't expect to be so intensely attracted! (He's single by the way)I spent a lovely day with him, and it definitely felt like a mutual attraction, though nothing was acknowledged. I returned home with a full-blown crush on him. I've chatted with him once since returning home, and suggested he give me a call. Tried chatting a couple other times but didn't get a response. I don't want to overdo it--so I'm thinking it's best to assume that he isn't interested anymore. I also know that I probably have more healing to do to gain closure regarding my divorce. But crushes are so persistent! I loved the way you described how we are the ones who actually possess the version of this person that we are so taken with. It's really empowering, to think that, in fact, this amazing person is a wonderful character that I have created, who belongs to no one but me, and is really just a reflection of some aspects of myself and my desires. I guess the only thing I'm still struggling with is the fact that I don't know my situation to be impossible, I just sense that it may not be reciprocated, but I suppose I wouldn't know for sure unless I asked, point blank. But even if something does come of it, your advice has helped lend balance to the situation, and put some of the power back into my own hands.
Thank you! I look forward to taking a look your books!
Grateful, I'M grateful to YOU for letting me know about this post helping you! It sounds to me like you have a very good head on your shoulders and a good grip on the situation. A person can't control his/her feelings, so really, the best you can do is work on attitude, which clearly you are doing. I wish you the best in dealing with your situation. And thanks for your interests in my books!
he's my best friend who tells me everything, including about his love life. i've liked him for two years. i have no idea what to do.
help?
Like I've said, Pathetic Soul, there's only so much I can do limited to a blog and my lack of professional training. I'm just hoping the suggestions here will provoke some thoughts that might help. But you really need to turn to people closer to you to be able to get meaningful results. I wish you the best!
I normally love having crushes, but that's because they are usually going no-where and i know that. For instance when I was in my past relationship I would occasionally get them, but they were just fun and would go away pretty in a week or two or even a few days. those were amazing. Now, that I'm not in a relationship, crushes are harder, because they actually could have a chance. And where I don't usually act on my crushes, this past current one I did. And it was fun, but now, I'm being rejected. This one is agonizing. keeping up at night...and its gotten painful. This one I want to be rid of so that its not awkward when I see this person... (we are friends, on a board together, and classmates)
so yes, sometimes, people do want to get over their crushes. I'm not sure if its a good or a bad thing that thing's didn't escalate physically. it could just end this crush?
Anonymous, it is ironic that the first comment on this post was that crushes are fun and no big deal, while every commenter after that, including you, has demonstrated how completely miserable they can be. Well, AND fun. That's the problem. If they weren't fun in part, we wouldn't have them, but they suck you in and then, when trouble arises, you're already smitten and can't pull out. I hope this latest one of yours resolves itself as quickly and painlessly as possible!
What if you know that this crush is EXACTLY the person you imagine them to be, because you spent 7 weeks living in the same house with them while you were on an exchange trip? What if you'll never see them again because they live on the other side of the world, practically? And if you knew all along that it was impossible, so nothing was ever said, but you're all but certain they felt the same way? And if you regret not having said something right away when you started to crush on them more bitterly than you've ever regretted anything before in your life? What if it's been over a month since you've seen them and the feelings have neither gone away, nor decreased in any way shape or form? What if you think 16's WAY too young to be in love, but this is like nothing ever before? And if you can see their few faults, but accepted them before and after you started crushing? What if you think you're an idiot for still wanting to at least let them know, despite all that?
Lydia, I don't promise you will be happy after the fact, but in your shoes I would let the person know how I felt. Either you'll find out the emotions are indeed reciprocated, in which case you can both decide what to do about the long distance, or you'll find out they are not, in which case you'll have more motivation to move on. Sixteen is a little young, but it certainly can happen! Best wishes to you.
Hi.
I so appreciate your comments made to "Wandering Soul" about Anima. I am in a similar boat of crushing on someone (for two years). . .she lit up my heart I think because of the way I met her, on the forth of July. . .and the way she inspired confidence in me, at first I was very self defeating and left totally unconfident messages on her answering machine. . .but she called me back anyway. We went on a date to a jazz club once and I fully intended on continuing to get to know her but we never went out again. I later dated someone else. Then after I broke up with that girl I called the other one back. I should say this, I know I am kind of a serial crusher, but part of the reason I broke up with the one I was dating was comparing my feelings for the first girl. So after I ended it, I ended up calling said girl back. I hung out with her at her job, and I sent her chocolates to her job on her birthday and she left a message thanking me profusely! In everyway I was getting back into her life. . .or so I thought. But my feelings for her were just overwhelming. She came over to my house and I bought a bottle of wine which we drank. I think I made a mistake of playing a song for her by Richard Thompson called "Black Lightning 1952" that mentions marriage. Later my friend reminded me about the "Courtship of Miles Standish" by Longfellow that warns against expecting a woman to leap in a single bound to a height you had spent a long time climbing. Even though I felt the subtle hints of rejection, I thought I was supposed to pursue her and give her grace because I thought maybe she didn't know how to love. We hung out again at a Starbucks and I gave her some tiny gifts for Christmas, nothing much. . .a Oaxacan Indian Doll she admired at my house, a tiny chinese change purse and a handwritten note with bible scriptures from Psalm 139. But as she started talking about another guy, my heart tried and tried to hold on, and I felt my resolve crumbling. As hard as it was, still, I tried to care. . .by that new year, I thought I was clean over her, free and clear! I was so proud of myself! Then the classic thing, a year later I saw her at a random club, and she hugs me, its as if all of the shriveled up parts of my heart became alive again. And I'm back to where I was, even though I'm dating someone else now, and living in another city! -Fireletgo
Oh, Fireletgo...just another sad tale of what our hearts can do to us! Just when you think you're in the clear at last... Well, I hope you can struggle through the challenge and feel better again!
This may not come out right, but I love reading everyone's stories of crushes. Not because they are stories of pain, but because they demonstrate a wonderfully human quality of seeing the best in someone else. I also really appreciate your comments about anima/animus in thinking about why, as a married woman in a happy marriage, I am possessed by thoughts and feelings for a married man I am friends with. Maybe it will help turn the crush into simple affection.
What a wonderfully positive response, Anonymous! And I know you don't mean you enjoy others' suffering...it just can really help a lot to realize what one is experiencing is very common and normal...and others have survived it! I'm confident you'll work your way through your own situation positively.
I think I have become more addicted this blog & constantly checking for updates, atleast few times a week :)
More and more I read about anima/animus, I realized that you are absolutely correct about my feelings for the person I have been entrancing all these years. I realized what you meant by "anima is internal but autonomous", and I feel as if this person constantly watching over me. I just need to accept fact this feeling will be part of my life for years to come, or maybe it will remain for my rest of my life, no point in resisting it, but learn to live with it (because by resisting I am only hurting myself).
The way I see it, by seeing or meeting this person in my life (yes I do get hurt once in awhile thinking of this person), but I have gained so much in terms of understanding myself, which lead to reading a lot of philosophical and psychological books just to understand myself better and learn more on psyche, and I met very insightful people like you :)
Socrates: "By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
I think the quote by Socrates is not just applicable to "marriage", and also is applicable to "crush" as well :)
W.S., I'm so pleased my blog is helping! Sounds like you've really been applying yourself to doing all you can. Good for you, keep it up, and I hope things continue to get easier for you.
Thank you so much for these messages. Your words are very soothing, and I need that.
I have been just starting to get back on my feet after a 30 year long and painful family saga. This getting back up is greatly helped by a dream job which I landed earlier this year. The problem is, that there is this guy at work, who may be as much as 20 years younger than I am (I am 50 lol!). He acted kind of strange around me earlier on. I don't know how, but now I have a crush on him! We both act strangely, which includes us both blushing(!), awkwardly avoiding eye contact etc... It is terrible, because my concentration - which I desperately need - is non-existent when I know he is within the same building (we have a large, open office). I feel pathetic and pitiful. I am scared of making a fool of myself in my dream job instead of being able to finally get my own life into shape after looking after everyone else in my family. Please tell me what you would do.
Just want to make a point regarding this case that hasn't come up until now: I once went through an office crush on a much younger person that for that reason was very hard on my ego. I'm guessing one of the benefits of your "dream job," after all your recent family problems, is that it makes you feel better about yourself. The one thing that got me out of my crush in this case was a need to bolster my ego, and it was my career improvements that most helped me.
I'm sure the initial thrills of your situation will be hard to resist (would be for anyone), but as soon as you sense anything that could be a danger to your self-esteem, I hope those cues will help you to do what it takes to keep the importance of your job in perspective.
Not much advice here, but a point that needed to be made I guess!
Thank you for responding so quickly, and thank you for your help.
The situation since has escalated - he seems to be more erratic and has a smirk on his face. This made me both panic and calm down if this makes sense.
The panic comes from the fear that it won't take long before a gossip takes off if he continues acting like this, and even though we have never even talked to each other one-on-one, let alone done anything else, people's imagination will go wild - the old woman's crush on a young guy! Work is extremely important for me, and getting this job was a massive ego boost. A gossip damaging my credibility would be devastating.
The calmness came from having something - the above fear - to hang on to as I am trying to pull myself out of the quicksand of an inappropriate crush.
I have a long way to go though, and I am not holding all the cards. If he keeps acting like he does, people will notice it.
Could the situation be defused if the mystery element is out of the equation? He does not know me - almost at all, I don't know him. We don't work on the same thing, and don't do anything together anywhere.
I am thinking of talking to him - and show to him my face close up, wrinkles and all. This could only be done in private though, and I would need to do the equivalent of asking him out... I really don't want to do that...
If I resign from this job it will be very bad for my career. The 3 decade family issue had a resolution, which left me completely alone. I am building up a circle of friends, and it is going nicely. I am too embarrassed to ask any of them about this issue though...
It's OK, if there is no answer to my dilemma... Writing it down helps me already.
Thank you very much for your time.
I think you're realizing quite clearly that to try to make this "real" in any manner will probably backfire in a dozen horrible ways. Hang on to all you've achieved...this will pass in time I'm sure!
Yes, exactly. I wasn't at work today - had to take the day off for legitimate reasons, and had thought about the issue further.
Just how much I can lose is scary. I will sit tight and try to control my own emotions.
Since I had found writing to you so very calming, I think I will keep writing down how I feel, what's been happening etc. Perhaps moving myself from participant to observer will help too.
Thank you very much once more for your help.
You're very welcome, all the best to you!
Thank you, Diane, even tho' you are not a professional, your experience, and advice is most helpful. I have had 2 overlapping crushes on men 20 years younger. One is waning, one is growing. Both are taken, but I have felt an attraction from them both. I don't have a thing for younger men per se, but trying to understand what is going on, the jung angle helps to explain it, and makes me feel more rational and in control. If I can understand something, it doesn't upset me. Also, in the time I have been crushing my own 20 YEAR relationship was crumbling. So it seems to me, that I have reverted back to the point in time when my own relationship began. These crushes are with men who are doing things, creating a life for themselves, have compassion and empathy for people, something my ex lacked, and involved in something,and I want to be doing that too, so I do see how they are mirroring something in me. I so appreciate your help in trying to understand the situation so it is more manageable. A friend wrote a song called "Wicked Little High". Exactly. Fun and miserable. Best to all of you.
"Wicked Little High"...that's it in a nutshell, Terry! It sounds to me like you've got quite a clear grasp on what's happening in your own psyche, I'm truly impressed. And sorry to hear of your situation! I'm glad to have been of some help...and wish you the best.
i have a crush on this guy for almost a year right now.i've known his for years.he never really smiles or said to hi to me before,but as for almost a year,he keeps constantly smiles and sometimes talked to me in a different way that I never had with any guy before.he even sometimes gave signs like he's interested in me,but he already has a girlfriend.it hurt me so much.they were also time where he just walked past me without saying hi or anything.he justv completely ignoring me.and he did that for weeks.i never felt hurt as hell before.so i ignored him too and avoiding eye contact with him.but now he acts like nothing happened,he starts saying hi again,but I just gave him a broken smile.and so i guess that would be the last 'hi' he would gave to me as now he starts to ignore me again.but we always had an eye contact with him staring at my face with a dissapoint face.i have no idea what's on his my mind.i dont want to be mean,but i just wanna get over him bcos it hurts as hell.
I'm sure we've all been there, Anonymous...and it's awful! My best to you, and I hope things get better for you soon.
I've had a crush all my life on this particular woman. It's so strong, I sometimes don't know what to do. She's everything I've ever wanted in a woman, but she's now married with two children. She's close to the family, so I'm always around her. I'm guessing this is more than a crush, since we've spent so much time together in our lives. I actually WOULD want to spend every day with her.
That is certainly a terrible hardship, Anonymous, and not one anyone would envy! I do hope that someday soon you are able to find a way to let go and move on, and find someone else just as exemplary to be yours.
Poor Anonymous...I know you're not really going to like my response. But the situation is very clear: this guy is not available to you. He may well like you--married people can like and be attracted to people other than their spouse, but they still have no intention or interest in divorcing and really love their spouse. The distance just makes it a double whammy. But the good news is that there is no ambiguity to the situation. It's really hard to get over someone when you think there's still a chance for it to work out. In your case, hanging on to this guy is only shutting off other sources of happiness for you.
There may be another guy for you right around the corner, or other possibilities for you to discover happiness and satisfaction, with friends, career, hobbies, etc. I urge you not to turn from potential real happiness in the hopes of realizing something that can never be, and I suspect if it somehow were, would not be what you dreamed it was.
I know it's hard, but choose joy for yourself and take it one day at a time. You may not find bliss right away, but there's a lot to be said for merely having a lack of anguish! Good luck to you, my dear.
Thank you Diane. While it's true I don't like your answer :) there is something calming about seeing the truth. So actually, it was just what I needed to hear/read. I know you are right. I'm sure there is some kind of reason why I met him and woke up all these feelings. Having re-read my post to you I see that it has far too much stuff in it that if someone else were to google crush, he'd recognize this and know it was me. So if you wouldn't mind, would you delete my last post?
Thank you for all your help and your words of clarify.
That's very brave of you, A., and I have indeed deleted your post now! Wouldn't want you to worry. Keep your chin up and keep up that courage!
Thank you Diane. Do you mind if I ask you why you said I was brave?
Just that you are courageous to face the truth of the situation even if it's not fun!
I found your blog through a Google search and wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your words. I've had a long-distance crush for years during which I've idealized the person in question. I recently had the chance to act on it during a trip. Now, back at home, I'm feeling especially bereft and idealizing the other person more than ever. (We were together long enough during the meeting for me to see more of the person's good qualities but not long enough to see anything else.) Instead of trying to push away these feelings as painful ones, I'll try to embrace them as positive forces. Thank you!
Anonymous, you made my day! I so often feel there's so little I can do for the people that post here. I'm really glad my words helped you!
Anonymous,
It seems as we are both living parallel lives, I too faced a similar incident, and I know how that feels (running into "the person" after many years). I too googled out of desperation to find answers, and landed into this blog, and this blog gave me this sense of relief that I am not alone in this.
I usually check this blog couple of times a week but somehow I missed your initial posting :)
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