Thursday, January 15, 2009

How to Get Over a Crush


I’m a big fan of wikiHow, and this morning one of the “how-to” topics offered by this great site was “How to Stop Having an Inappropriate Crush.” Some of the advice in this posting was quite helpful, don’t get me wrong. But I have a feeling that a lot of people hoping to get help from this wikiHow will be disappointed.

The main premise of the article was “Having a crush on someone is not the problem. The real issue is your own restraint and self-control.” In my experience, most people are okay with exercising restraint when they are obsessed with the wrong person. Most times it’s painfully obvious there’s no way you can act on your feelings. You can’t hit on your married boss, you can’t ask out Robert Pattinson. You don’t need someone to tell you, like in this article, to focus on all the reasons why your crush is hopeless. Usually that’s painfully obvious.

I suspect people googling “how to get over a crush” are most interested in making the feelings go away. Unfortunately, the article only addressed the issue this way: “If you’ve tried to fight it, all to no avail, and you still find yourself sighing over him/her, then make it right.” Well, there’s usually no way to “make it right”—your boss is happily married, and Robert Pattinson is not going to go out with you.

As a person who has experienced four decades of inappropriate crushes, I can only speak from my own personal experience and share what has helped me. So here goes:

1. Don’t make yourself feel worse by beating yourself up. Having a crush is not a sin, it’s just feelings, and people can’t help their feelings. Infatuations are a natural part of being human, and no one is exempt. If you’re crushing on the next door neighbor in spite of your being happily married, don’t interpret it as a sign your marriage is failing. As the saying goes, you are married, not dead. You will still respond emotionally to attractiveness in other males, and that says nothing about the strength of your marriage.

2. Try to keep in mind that you are probably not really in love with a real person, but rather you are in love with what him/her represents to you. This is especially the case with celebrity crushes, but usually just as true with other infatuations. As you read this, you may be balking at the idea, but that’s because you don’t want to let go of the hope that this “awesome person” is really as awesome as they seem to you. But read on as to why what I’m telling you is actually good news.

3. Work on disassociating the idea of the person you adore from the flesh-and-blood individual. Think about this: have you ever really loved a character in a book? Thought about actually being with that person? Wasn’t it fun to imagine, even though you knew full well that wonderful character was just “pretend”? Well, your fantasies about your crush are like that. If you find it hard not to fantasize about the person, work on being happy just enjoying pretending about them. And remember, in real life, being with the person would doubtless not be as wonderful as your fantasies, in which you can imagine him/her as perfect for you.

4. Rejoice that the pretend version of your crush truly does belong to you. As my regular blog readers know, I’m a believer in the theories of psychoanalyst Carl Jung (and I wrote a book about this stuff called Living Beyond Reality). Jungian psychology teaches that each of us has an opposite sex aspect to our personality buried in the unconscious, called the animus/anima. The only way we interact with that “person,” that lost part of our psyche, is by projecting it on others. If the object of your infatuation seems perfect for you, that’s because you’re projecting your animus/anima upon him/her, seeing those qualities your soul most longs for, your very heart’s desire. No wonder it’s so wrong, but feels so right! Well, it takes lots of practice, but you can learn to recognize that the person you feel you adore is not actually Robert Pattinson, but this inner male ideal that is, in a real sense, your soul mate. He’s already yours, always has been, always will be. He is an autonomous part of yourself, you and yet not you.

I realize #4 is a very new concept to most people, but believe me, if you can get your mind around it, nothing works better for dealing with inappropriate crushes. If you find the idea just too far out there, then go back to #3, which is just another version of #4. The point is to diminish the pain of your crush by feeling like you have control. Rather than pining for someone you can’t have, you take the whole thing into the realm of imagination, where all the control belongs to you.

If you still don’t like the idea of letting go of “the real person,” I suggest you take a cold, hard look at the real person and try to find his/her flaws. Because I guarantee you, there are things about that guy or girl that would disappoint you if you really had to live with him or her. Apply yourself conscientiously to this exercise and you’ll figure out that your pretend version of the person is actually more fun “to be with,” even if you have to sacrifice the benefits of real flesh-and-blood.

Here’s one bonus tip for you: If you feel any interest going on in your mind towards a less problematic individual, then try to redirect your attention there. It’s the basic principle that “the universe abhors a vacuum”...it’s hard to replace a crush with nothing, but substituting a different crush can work. So, for example, if you’re pining for Robert Pattinson, see if you can’t obsess instead on the character of Edward Cullen as you personally dream him to be.

Dealing with a troublesome crush is never easy! But there are things you can do to help yourself. Good luck!


ADDENDUM 8/31/09: As you can see by the abundance of comments to this post, a lot of people have come to me with specific advice for their problems. Before you post asking for my help, I want to remind you that I'm just an author, and this post was meant to share some concepts that have been helpful to me and may be helpful to you. If you are truly tormented by an infatuation you can't shake, PLEASE SEE A PROFESSIONAL. I feel for you, but I'm severely limited in my ability to help...this is just a blog, and I'm just a fellow human wanting to present some tips that might work for you.

134 comments:

Cherie Burbach said...

I can't believe someone would want to get over a CRUSH. Those seem pretty harmless to me. It's not like an emotional affair, where people give a part of themselves and their lives that is inappropriate. People tend to get very hurt in an emotional affair.

But a crush? Aw shucks it's just fun!

Diana Laurence said...

REALLY BAD, I can vouch for why people seek a way to get over them. They can be mighty painful if you're a person like me. But I do agree with you, people often make it worse for themselves by taking the situation more seriously than they should. A sense of humor helps, and above all, you shouldn't beat yourself up for feeling what you do.

Anonymous said...

Well since I googled "how to get over a crush" because I've been in hellish pain for the last several days -- thank you thank you for these tips. I have desperately looked for help on the web. It helps to at least have a reality check. I'm an adult but this crush has been worse than a bout of the flu.

Diana Laurence said...

Aw, Anonymous, I feel your pain. Age doesn't much matter, it can happen to anyone. And is definitely worse than flu (and harder to shake!). I'm glad the post was of some help, and I hope things get better. Do what you can, and don't be too hard on yourself, and give it time. Best of luck!

Miss Organizized said...

I'm a pretty reasonable person, but I've definitely had some real doozies crush-wise! They don't call it a crush for nothin' ;) But these really are good tips! The worst part about crushes is how addicting they are. All the endorphins, and perhaps even the rush of the forbidden...sometimes, like the flu, all you can do is wait for it to pass! Ugh!!

Diana Laurence said...

I know, but, unlike the flu, you can't be sure it will be gone in 3-10 days. Time does indeed heal everything eventually and sometimes there's nothing else to do. I hate those kind of crushes! Fortunately a lot of them are the kind you really can fight off successfully if you have the motivation. Misery can be powerful motivation, I've found in my life! :-)

Anonymous said...

i understand the comments about replacing one crush for another, but what if you have had this crush for over 2 years!

i look at this particular man, and i know that i could keep on looking at him everyday and never get bored. how do i get over it and move on? i've even thought about getting a job on his team when i leave uni, because i'll be working in the same medical environment that he does.

how can i get back to being sane and stop being pathetic!

Diana Laurence said...

Anonymous, you are not crazy OR pathetic. Obviously your feeling bad about this demonstrates you recognize the non-desirability of your crush, and are therefore neither one.

The fact that you still cling to this crush just shows it is meeting some need you have that isn't getting met anywhere else. Sometimes that can be a clue: I once got over a three-year crush by (a) having it finally sink in that it was bringing me more grief than joy and (b) figuring out there WERE other ways I could meet that need.

Sometimes it just comes down to that: Realizing the pain just isn't worth it, and acting out of self-preservation. It's really rough when you have to take it to that point before finding a "cure," but sometimes you do!

In the meantime, try to be as practical as possible in your big-life decisions. Choices like that should be made with the head and not the heart...you'll be glad you did!

These are simplistic suggestions for what can be a complex issue, but hopefully it's some food for thought. Wish I could be more help, and best wishes!

Anonymous said...

Well, thanks for the article. Its helpful and I can relate to what youre saying.

I have recent crush and theres certainly an attraction between us, but I know he is in a committed relationship. He seems to feel the same way for me, but I am a alot younger than him and am reluctant and even a little intimidated by this attraction I have towards him.

My attraction to him bothers me because when I think Im over him, Im actually not. I also hardly cant bear to look at him without having the nerve to flirt and the attraction is so obvious it hurts. But I feel like its a infatuation more than anything else.

What do I do?

Diana Laurence said...

Well, Anonymous, I'm a fiction author and not a counselor (should of thought of that before writing this blog post, LOL)...but with the limited space here and not knowing you or the situation well, I guess I'll say this: All you can do is make sure you don't do anything that you might regret later, and trust that something/someone else will come along to take the place of this guy in your life. Day to day that's easier said than done. But feelings never last forever, even when they seem so much bigger than your rational will does.

Hopefully you have someone closer to you than me to confide in about this and provide support. I'm rooting for you, hang in there!

Anonymous said...

I've had a crush for going on 2 years now. In that time period I've found someone that actually makes me happy and I love being around. I've had many thoughts as to why I'm putting myself through all this pain and it's great to have some validation on the idea that if I were a guy I would want to be just like him. I would! He's everything I would want to be. That's great!

Diana Laurence said...

That is great, Anonymous! I hope you can continue to work everything out and leave the pain behind.

Anonymous said...

Found this blog by googling, great blog! I find I have developed a crush on a married coworker that I only worked with 5 days on a special project. No ring, and he didn't mention a wife until the third day. Unfair. On the fourth day at a group dinner after work, he chose to sit by me instead of his wife of 24 years. Sigh. And he lives 5,000 miles away. I haven't had a crush on anyone in many, many, years. What's wrong with me?

Diana Laurence said...

Thanks, Anonymous! And you're right, that IS unfair. How's a woman to guard her emotions without all the facts? There's nothing wrong with you...you just met a guy who possessed a certain set of traits that were especially significant and attractive to you. And he just happened to be married. If it's any consolation, there is some likelihood that had you gotten to know him better, he would have revealed himself to not be the perfect dream lover he seemed to be for five days. Still, it's not easy getting over an experience like that! One day you'll be able to look back on it bittersweetly, but that day may be a little while in coming. In the meantime, hang in there!

Diana Laurence said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

sThank you very much for your response -- you are very kind! It seems the hardest thing about getting over the crush, is not taking the rejection personally. He's back in his home office and there has been no attempt to email or chat. I really thought I saw something, and if I didn't, then why did he chose to sit next to me, instead of his wife, at dinner? That part really throws me.

Diana Laurence said...

Can't be sure not having observed directly, but I can think of a couple of possibilities. One, he really did like you and is not keeping up the contact because he needs to get over you. Two, he's not quite so honorable, and was just enjoying the mutual attraction for awhile but has no interest in more than that. Either way, I doubt that you were mistaken about the signals he sent you!

Anonymous said...

Thank you again, your responses have been very helpful. I think I will go with explanation that he needs to get over me. That's somehow a comforting thought. :)

Thank you so much!

Diana Laurence said...

I'm happy I could help a little! What will help the most is time. And in the meantime, keep up the positive thoughts about yourself!

confused said...

*sigh* ive had this crush for nearly 3 years, and im with someone now, and im happy but the guy im crushing on likes someone else, and i know theres no way i could be with him but the feelings wont go away- also, i cant find any faults in him. he is my friend.. now what??

Diana Laurence said...

That is one rough situation, Confused...mostly because you have to keep relating to the guy in the context of your friendship. I know someone who had feelings for a married woman for years, even after he found a lifelong partner himself. It took time with the new person for him to let go of the old one, but if your new guy is right for you, being with him will eventually help you set aside your feelings for your friend. Sometimes it just takes time (I say that a lot, don't i?)

Troubled said...

Hey there...i found your post when googling. i recently found out from a good friend who i always hang out with that my crush sort of confess to her. My friend didnt know i have a crush on him. I didnt know it would hurt so much. It so painful that i keep feeling like crying nowadays. This crush of mine is a really good friend that i always chat to online and we are in the same classes.So its really hard to get over these feeling while trying to stay friend with him...knowing that he like someone else.

Diana Laurence said...

It IS really hard, Troubled. Nearly everyone has been there, and there's nothing quite like the pain of seeing someone you wish was yours pursuing someone else. My personal experience is that eventually the psyche reaches a sort of "saturation point" of misery and just lets go of the crush at last. I know that's not much comfort right now...but this too shall pass!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the post!

I will definitely try to follow all your advice - been crushing on this older guy I can't have, and probably will never meet again, for about 3 months now. I think having a crush when being a teenager is worse in some ways, because people just see it as more normal, and don't realize how these can consume you :/.

What would you do, by the way, if your crush was (in your eyes) the most handsome guy on the planet, (yes, more than Orlando Bloom and Brad Pitt) and that was the reason you fell in love with them to begin with?

Diana Laurence said...

Anonymous, you're right...as the song says, people call it "puppy love" and brush it off as no big deal. But I remember crushes I had as a teenager, and getting over them was just as agonizing as it is for adults!

Actually, I tend to find whoever I'm crushing on ALWAYS seems like the most handsome person in the universe. (Please see http://eroticawithsoul.blogspot.com/2008/10/that-face-heaven-save-me.html, LOL!) It's not till after I'm over it that I realize I might have been wrong...and even then, they look good to me ever after. :-)

WanderingSoul said...

Thank you so much for your tips. My crush has been going well over 15 years now, i thought this feeling would be jading away as time pass by, but I was wrong. I had spoken to this person 4 times which is about 10 yrs ago, and it wasn't very pleasant conversation either, but my feelings are very strong for this person, and this person has so much impact on my life (made me a self trained philosopher). I am trying to rationalize my feelings, and your tips gave me little more to think about, but "finding replacement", i don't think that is workable in my case, since i tried

here is my dilemma
1. i want her to be happy, and i don't want to interfere in her life, which was my motivation to stay away from her sight
2. her name kept resounding in my head, and i can't count how many times i think of this person hourly (this is going well over decades)
3. i get occasional dream having conversation with this person, and when that happens and i hate waking up in the morning
4. I don't really believe in the spiritual things, but this person made me doubt about "soul mate"
5. I am finding myself having conversation with the imagination of this person most the time, just like in the movie "the beautiful mind". No, I am not having schizophrenia (sometimes I wish I was)

is this a crush or obsession? oh I just completely lost myself?

Diana Laurence said...

Yours is a classic case, Wandering Soul, of what Carl Jung called "anima possession" (or if one is a female, "animus possession"). You may balk at hearing it, but the person with whom you have been entranced all these years is actually an aspect of yourself...your anima or animus...whom you see in the form of the woman you long for.

Normally the initial reaction to this is, "oh, but it's not me, s/he's someone else than me, I know it!" and in a sense that is very true--s/he's not you, the anima is internal but autonomous. She will seem very much outside of you and resident in the person upon whom you are fixated.

But the key to dealing with this is finding a way to recognize that the person you feel you are in love with already belongs to you and is part of you. It is a matter too deep and complex to deal with in a blog comment, but I wrote a book on it called "Living Beyond Reality," and it is also discussed and examined a lot in my novel "Looking on Darkness." I'm sure there is information on the web about the anima/animus as well.

I too am "animus possessed," as are many people, it's just that in my case the real person that I see in this role (Jung calls it projection) varies over time. But I know how intense it can be and sometimes mine have lasted five years. Learning to understand the phenomenon and apply it to life took me many years. But it does help when things happen like has happened to you!

ABrokenHeart said...

I'm heartbroken.

I moved schools about 2 and a half years ago now, and upon going to a new friends house, instantly started to crush on his sister. Turns out she is going out with my other friend, which didn't discourage me one bit. Within the next year, she broke up and got back together with him twice, and is now currently single. It is a well known fact (Among our social group) exactly how I feel about her. What has made me decide to post is that tonight, while I'm sitting here at my desk, my best friends phone goes off and, of course, I take a look at the message. It was to do with the event we all had planned tomorrow, but upon entering my friends inbox, I discovered alot of text messages from my crush to my best friend (who is currently in a relationship) telling him that he is what she looks for in a relationship, and all that jazz....

She rejected me four times.....

I need to get rid of this crush, it hurts so much to know that she would never accept me, but I can't just walk away from her....There's something about her that I like, her quirks, her glasses, she's just pretty, and oddly different to anyone I've ever met.....I can't take the pain anymore...I almost beat my best friend up while he was sleeping, but decided to google for some help....

Diana Laurence said...

Wow, A.B.H., your story just made me feel awful...you've been through a lot! Well, I've said it before in the comments: I'm a fiction author and not a counselor or psychologist, and although there's not a lot I can do, I do sympathize.

In your case I would want to say though, try as hard as you can to make your choices and decisions based on thinking rather than feeling. I know you resisted the temptation to violence already and that's good! Feelings come and go (and believe it or not, your infatuation WILL go eventually), so it's important to act wisely so that when the emotions pass you can look back on your behavior and know you made rational choices. Wish I could be of more help!

Anonymous said...

Ah, thank you so much for this article. I'm in such a wonderful relationship right now, going on 6 years, and just recently developed a ridiculous crush on a mutual friend of ours. It just came out of the blue and hit me like a ton of bricks- he went from dorky friend to handsome and debonair over night! I was really beating myself up over it, feeling like I was intentionally trying to sabotage myself and my relationship or somesuch. However, your article is already helping me realize I was overreacting, and the more I think about it, it really does seem like he's a male version of me in many ways. Too funny. Okay, I think I can cope with hanging out with him again later without being too upset over my heart skipping a beat and clenching up with the agony of unrequited crush-dom!

Diana Laurence said...

I have to say, Anonymous, your comment was very cheering to me! There have been so many people posting lately who are in pretty tough spots and I'm frustrated I'm not really in a position to be a great deal of help. So it's fantastic to hear the blog post helped you so much. Sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. You know, if one manages it correctly, these "silly" crushes can actually be fun and not at all harmful to one's other relationships. It's always nice when that happens!

Anonymous said...

I have been searching for ways to get over a certain crush. over the years, i have had a 5 years crush on this guy, then i got over it because we moved (i didn't have a choice), now i am 26 years old with a steady job and i have had a crush on this guy for more then 6 years. i have a thing with being in love and i take it very seriously. i don't know whats wrong with me, sometimes i feel like i can't concentrate on anything but him. i think my relationship with him over the years has made me realize that i have fallen for him and that i would be the only one to know how to treat him well because i've always been there for him. one more thing, he's my cousin; how do you get over such thing. is it because im a transgender? please i need help....

Anonymous said...

add on to my previous comment...
i have also neglected being with my friends because of my embarrassing crush, i have found that all i could wish for was being with him and no one else. i am the queen on having long term crush on guys but this by far is the craziest i have ever gotten myself into. any med. that can help with this sort of thing... thnx

Diana Laurence said...

Wow, Anonymous, your situation definitely calls for my frequent declaration "I'm a fiction author, not a counselor"! I have to say, you are in over your head for sure. Seriously, this whole situation is clearly preventing you from attaining happiness. In going through your gender change, I imagine you had some counseling for dealing with that process. I recommend going back to that person, or finding someone else you can trust, and getting help and advice. Only with face-to-face assistance will you be able to work through your difficulties. I wish you all the best!

Anonymous said...

Hi everyone... I also found this blog by googling after the worst 4 days of my life.

Im a really organised person in a very long term relationship. Iwill adnit to being a complete control freak.

Ive been having physio for 6 months with a pretty rubbish physio. Hes not my type at all. Hes 10 years younger than me and recently married.

I was 3 stone over weight and the shame of being pummelled by a bloke was the catalyst to losing weight. Ive lost 20lbs in 10 weeks.

Ive had so much personal misery in this past year and its been nice to have these 30 minutes a week of "me" time with this funny but soft speaking "stranger".

I had been unaware of a crush until he told me last week that he can only treat me once more as hes emigrating. I was fine for an hour or so then went into self-pity phase.

Hes always been a good laugh, hes never inappropriate or given me any collywobbles at all.

I was so upset at the thought of losing his attention that my husband asked if I was having a crush. It was then that my emotions went into over-drive and raised the physio from married fuzzy headed college kid to mega God.

Ive spent all weekend sobbing, sleeping or feeling sick.

I rang this morning to see if he could fit me in before he goes but hes on a course and his secretary told me that hes already transferred me to a female colleague.

Im hoping that the rejection means I can now start to hate him and the pain will go away. ;0)

I send big vibes to anyone going through this. Its a real bummer.

xxx

Diana Laurence said...

Ugh, Anonymous, that's horrible! I know what you mean about the hate phase...sometimes that's the best and quickest cure! Best of luck to you.

WanderingSoul said...

Thank you so much for responding. I had been googling on Carl Jung on Anima, to understand myself better.

Just my luck, while I was doing research on Anima to understand myself & my feelings better, I ran in to this person again after 10 yrs. I couldn't talk to her at all that day. Then I felt bad for not even saying "hi" to this person (I felt as if we have become stranger than strangers), so I facebooked her explaining why i didn't say hi etc etc, and she responded and it was very mature and pleasant response. Then I responded back again, and I haven't got any response back for few days now. I don't know why i am expecting a message from her, I just can't understand myself, I am waiting for her response as if nothing else matters in my life.

I kept repeating to myself, she is just a appearance of my anima, but I don't think that helps at all.

You mentioned, this is not counseling forum, but what I am trying to do is, trying to find the root cause of my feeling, so that I can address the problem, and get control of my life

Diana Laurence said...

I'm really glad, Wandering Soul, that you looked further into Jungian theory on this. Sadly though, understanding what's going on anima-wise is not necessarily going to make everything all better quickly. It's still very hard to get your emotions to follow what your head is telling them, and like I said above, it can take years, and may require professional counseling.

Grateful said...

Diana,

How kind of you to post such heartfelt responses to each and every comment! You certainly opened a can of worms with this topic. ;) I'll confess that I, too, actually googled "how to get over a crush" out of desperation. Your blog post was the only advice that really did something for me. I have been separated for about four months, and am in the process of a divorce. I thought it would be a long, long time before I would even be capable of having feelings for someone else, but I recently reunited with an old friend from college who I hadn't seen for 6 years, as I happened to be traveling to the city he lives in and suggested that we get together. I had kept in touch a little bit, and had always been fond of him, but I was blown away by the effect he had on me--I didn't expect to be so intensely attracted! (He's single by the way)I spent a lovely day with him, and it definitely felt like a mutual attraction, though nothing was acknowledged. I returned home with a full-blown crush on him. I've chatted with him once since returning home, and suggested he give me a call. Tried chatting a couple other times but didn't get a response. I don't want to overdo it--so I'm thinking it's best to assume that he isn't interested anymore. I also know that I probably have more healing to do to gain closure regarding my divorce. But crushes are so persistent! I loved the way you described how we are the ones who actually possess the version of this person that we are so taken with. It's really empowering, to think that, in fact, this amazing person is a wonderful character that I have created, who belongs to no one but me, and is really just a reflection of some aspects of myself and my desires. I guess the only thing I'm still struggling with is the fact that I don't know my situation to be impossible, I just sense that it may not be reciprocated, but I suppose I wouldn't know for sure unless I asked, point blank. But even if something does come of it, your advice has helped lend balance to the situation, and put some of the power back into my own hands.

Thank you! I look forward to taking a look your books!

Diana Laurence said...

Grateful, I'M grateful to YOU for letting me know about this post helping you! It sounds to me like you have a very good head on your shoulders and a good grip on the situation. A person can't control his/her feelings, so really, the best you can do is work on attitude, which clearly you are doing. I wish you the best in dealing with your situation. And thanks for your interests in my books!

pathetic soul said...

he's my best friend who tells me everything, including about his love life. i've liked him for two years. i have no idea what to do.

help?

Diana Laurence said...

Like I've said, Pathetic Soul, there's only so much I can do limited to a blog and my lack of professional training. I'm just hoping the suggestions here will provoke some thoughts that might help. But you really need to turn to people closer to you to be able to get meaningful results. I wish you the best!

Anonymous said...

I normally love having crushes, but that's because they are usually going no-where and i know that. For instance when I was in my past relationship I would occasionally get them, but they were just fun and would go away pretty in a week or two or even a few days. those were amazing. Now, that I'm not in a relationship, crushes are harder, because they actually could have a chance. And where I don't usually act on my crushes, this past current one I did. And it was fun, but now, I'm being rejected. This one is agonizing. keeping up at night...and its gotten painful. This one I want to be rid of so that its not awkward when I see this person... (we are friends, on a board together, and classmates)

so yes, sometimes, people do want to get over their crushes. I'm not sure if its a good or a bad thing that thing's didn't escalate physically. it could just end this crush?

Diana Laurence said...

Anonymous, it is ironic that the first comment on this post was that crushes are fun and no big deal, while every commenter after that, including you, has demonstrated how completely miserable they can be. Well, AND fun. That's the problem. If they weren't fun in part, we wouldn't have them, but they suck you in and then, when trouble arises, you're already smitten and can't pull out. I hope this latest one of yours resolves itself as quickly and painlessly as possible!

Lydia said...

What if you know that this crush is EXACTLY the person you imagine them to be, because you spent 7 weeks living in the same house with them while you were on an exchange trip? What if you'll never see them again because they live on the other side of the world, practically? And if you knew all along that it was impossible, so nothing was ever said, but you're all but certain they felt the same way? And if you regret not having said something right away when you started to crush on them more bitterly than you've ever regretted anything before in your life? What if it's been over a month since you've seen them and the feelings have neither gone away, nor decreased in any way shape or form? What if you think 16's WAY too young to be in love, but this is like nothing ever before? And if you can see their few faults, but accepted them before and after you started crushing? What if you think you're an idiot for still wanting to at least let them know, despite all that?

Diana Laurence said...

Lydia, I don't promise you will be happy after the fact, but in your shoes I would let the person know how I felt. Either you'll find out the emotions are indeed reciprocated, in which case you can both decide what to do about the long distance, or you'll find out they are not, in which case you'll have more motivation to move on. Sixteen is a little young, but it certainly can happen! Best wishes to you.

Anonymous said...

Hi.

I so appreciate your comments made to "Wandering Soul" about Anima. I am in a similar boat of crushing on someone (for two years). . .she lit up my heart I think because of the way I met her, on the forth of July. . .and the way she inspired confidence in me, at first I was very self defeating and left totally unconfident messages on her answering machine. . .but she called me back anyway. We went on a date to a jazz club once and I fully intended on continuing to get to know her but we never went out again. I later dated someone else. Then after I broke up with that girl I called the other one back. I should say this, I know I am kind of a serial crusher, but part of the reason I broke up with the one I was dating was comparing my feelings for the first girl. So after I ended it, I ended up calling said girl back. I hung out with her at her job, and I sent her chocolates to her job on her birthday and she left a message thanking me profusely! In everyway I was getting back into her life. . .or so I thought. But my feelings for her were just overwhelming. She came over to my house and I bought a bottle of wine which we drank. I think I made a mistake of playing a song for her by Richard Thompson called "Black Lightning 1952" that mentions marriage. Later my friend reminded me about the "Courtship of Miles Standish" by Longfellow that warns against expecting a woman to leap in a single bound to a height you had spent a long time climbing. Even though I felt the subtle hints of rejection, I thought I was supposed to pursue her and give her grace because I thought maybe she didn't know how to love. We hung out again at a Starbucks and I gave her some tiny gifts for Christmas, nothing much. . .a Oaxacan Indian Doll she admired at my house, a tiny chinese change purse and a handwritten note with bible scriptures from Psalm 139. But as she started talking about another guy, my heart tried and tried to hold on, and I felt my resolve crumbling. As hard as it was, still, I tried to care. . .by that new year, I thought I was clean over her, free and clear! I was so proud of myself! Then the classic thing, a year later I saw her at a random club, and she hugs me, its as if all of the shriveled up parts of my heart became alive again. And I'm back to where I was, even though I'm dating someone else now, and living in another city! -Fireletgo

Diana Laurence said...

Oh, Fireletgo...just another sad tale of what our hearts can do to us! Just when you think you're in the clear at last... Well, I hope you can struggle through the challenge and feel better again!

Anonymous said...

This may not come out right, but I love reading everyone's stories of crushes. Not because they are stories of pain, but because they demonstrate a wonderfully human quality of seeing the best in someone else. I also really appreciate your comments about anima/animus in thinking about why, as a married woman in a happy marriage, I am possessed by thoughts and feelings for a married man I am friends with. Maybe it will help turn the crush into simple affection.

Diana Laurence said...

What a wonderfully positive response, Anonymous! And I know you don't mean you enjoy others' suffering...it just can really help a lot to realize what one is experiencing is very common and normal...and others have survived it! I'm confident you'll work your way through your own situation positively.

WanderingSoul said...

I think I have become more addicted this blog & constantly checking for updates, atleast few times a week :)
More and more I read about anima/animus, I realized that you are absolutely correct about my feelings for the person I have been entrancing all these years. I realized what you meant by "anima is internal but autonomous", and I feel as if this person constantly watching over me. I just need to accept fact this feeling will be part of my life for years to come, or maybe it will remain for my rest of my life, no point in resisting it, but learn to live with it (because by resisting I am only hurting myself).

The way I see it, by seeing or meeting this person in my life (yes I do get hurt once in awhile thinking of this person), but I have gained so much in terms of understanding myself, which lead to reading a lot of philosophical and psychological books just to understand myself better and learn more on psyche, and I met very insightful people like you :)

Socrates: "By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

I think the quote by Socrates is not just applicable to "marriage", and also is applicable to "crush" as well :)

Diana Laurence said...

W.S., I'm so pleased my blog is helping! Sounds like you've really been applying yourself to doing all you can. Good for you, keep it up, and I hope things continue to get easier for you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for these messages. Your words are very soothing, and I need that.

I have been just starting to get back on my feet after a 30 year long and painful family saga. This getting back up is greatly helped by a dream job which I landed earlier this year. The problem is, that there is this guy at work, who may be as much as 20 years younger than I am (I am 50 lol!). He acted kind of strange around me earlier on. I don't know how, but now I have a crush on him! We both act strangely, which includes us both blushing(!), awkwardly avoiding eye contact etc... It is terrible, because my concentration - which I desperately need - is non-existent when I know he is within the same building (we have a large, open office). I feel pathetic and pitiful. I am scared of making a fool of myself in my dream job instead of being able to finally get my own life into shape after looking after everyone else in my family. Please tell me what you would do.

Diana Laurence said...

Just want to make a point regarding this case that hasn't come up until now: I once went through an office crush on a much younger person that for that reason was very hard on my ego. I'm guessing one of the benefits of your "dream job," after all your recent family problems, is that it makes you feel better about yourself. The one thing that got me out of my crush in this case was a need to bolster my ego, and it was my career improvements that most helped me.

I'm sure the initial thrills of your situation will be hard to resist (would be for anyone), but as soon as you sense anything that could be a danger to your self-esteem, I hope those cues will help you to do what it takes to keep the importance of your job in perspective.

Not much advice here, but a point that needed to be made I guess!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for responding so quickly, and thank you for your help.

The situation since has escalated - he seems to be more erratic and has a smirk on his face. This made me both panic and calm down if this makes sense.

The panic comes from the fear that it won't take long before a gossip takes off if he continues acting like this, and even though we have never even talked to each other one-on-one, let alone done anything else, people's imagination will go wild - the old woman's crush on a young guy! Work is extremely important for me, and getting this job was a massive ego boost. A gossip damaging my credibility would be devastating.

The calmness came from having something - the above fear - to hang on to as I am trying to pull myself out of the quicksand of an inappropriate crush.

I have a long way to go though, and I am not holding all the cards. If he keeps acting like he does, people will notice it.

Could the situation be defused if the mystery element is out of the equation? He does not know me - almost at all, I don't know him. We don't work on the same thing, and don't do anything together anywhere.

I am thinking of talking to him - and show to him my face close up, wrinkles and all. This could only be done in private though, and I would need to do the equivalent of asking him out... I really don't want to do that...

If I resign from this job it will be very bad for my career. The 3 decade family issue had a resolution, which left me completely alone. I am building up a circle of friends, and it is going nicely. I am too embarrassed to ask any of them about this issue though...

It's OK, if there is no answer to my dilemma... Writing it down helps me already.

Thank you very much for your time.

Diana Laurence said...

I think you're realizing quite clearly that to try to make this "real" in any manner will probably backfire in a dozen horrible ways. Hang on to all you've achieved...this will pass in time I'm sure!

Anonymous said...

Yes, exactly. I wasn't at work today - had to take the day off for legitimate reasons, and had thought about the issue further.
Just how much I can lose is scary. I will sit tight and try to control my own emotions.
Since I had found writing to you so very calming, I think I will keep writing down how I feel, what's been happening etc. Perhaps moving myself from participant to observer will help too.
Thank you very much once more for your help.

Diana Laurence said...

You're very welcome, all the best to you!

terryb said...

Thank you, Diane, even tho' you are not a professional, your experience, and advice is most helpful. I have had 2 overlapping crushes on men 20 years younger. One is waning, one is growing. Both are taken, but I have felt an attraction from them both. I don't have a thing for younger men per se, but trying to understand what is going on, the jung angle helps to explain it, and makes me feel more rational and in control. If I can understand something, it doesn't upset me. Also, in the time I have been crushing my own 20 YEAR relationship was crumbling. So it seems to me, that I have reverted back to the point in time when my own relationship began. These crushes are with men who are doing things, creating a life for themselves, have compassion and empathy for people, something my ex lacked, and involved in something,and I want to be doing that too, so I do see how they are mirroring something in me. I so appreciate your help in trying to understand the situation so it is more manageable. A friend wrote a song called "Wicked Little High". Exactly. Fun and miserable. Best to all of you.

Diana Laurence said...

"Wicked Little High"...that's it in a nutshell, Terry! It sounds to me like you've got quite a clear grasp on what's happening in your own psyche, I'm truly impressed. And sorry to hear of your situation! I'm glad to have been of some help...and wish you the best.

Anonymous said...

i have a crush on this guy for almost a year right now.i've known his for years.he never really smiles or said to hi to me before,but as for almost a year,he keeps constantly smiles and sometimes talked to me in a different way that I never had with any guy before.he even sometimes gave signs like he's interested in me,but he already has a girlfriend.it hurt me so much.they were also time where he just walked past me without saying hi or anything.he justv completely ignoring me.and he did that for weeks.i never felt hurt as hell before.so i ignored him too and avoiding eye contact with him.but now he acts like nothing happened,he starts saying hi again,but I just gave him a broken smile.and so i guess that would be the last 'hi' he would gave to me as now he starts to ignore me again.but we always had an eye contact with him staring at my face with a dissapoint face.i have no idea what's on his my mind.i dont want to be mean,but i just wanna get over him bcos it hurts as hell.

Diana Laurence said...

I'm sure we've all been there, Anonymous...and it's awful! My best to you, and I hope things get better for you soon.

Anonymous said...

I've had a crush all my life on this particular woman. It's so strong, I sometimes don't know what to do. She's everything I've ever wanted in a woman, but she's now married with two children. She's close to the family, so I'm always around her. I'm guessing this is more than a crush, since we've spent so much time together in our lives. I actually WOULD want to spend every day with her.

Diana Laurence said...

That is certainly a terrible hardship, Anonymous, and not one anyone would envy! I do hope that someday soon you are able to find a way to let go and move on, and find someone else just as exemplary to be yours.

Diana Laurence said...

Poor Anonymous...I know you're not really going to like my response. But the situation is very clear: this guy is not available to you. He may well like you--married people can like and be attracted to people other than their spouse, but they still have no intention or interest in divorcing and really love their spouse. The distance just makes it a double whammy. But the good news is that there is no ambiguity to the situation. It's really hard to get over someone when you think there's still a chance for it to work out. In your case, hanging on to this guy is only shutting off other sources of happiness for you.

There may be another guy for you right around the corner, or other possibilities for you to discover happiness and satisfaction, with friends, career, hobbies, etc. I urge you not to turn from potential real happiness in the hopes of realizing something that can never be, and I suspect if it somehow were, would not be what you dreamed it was.

I know it's hard, but choose joy for yourself and take it one day at a time. You may not find bliss right away, but there's a lot to be said for merely having a lack of anguish! Good luck to you, my dear.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Diane. While it's true I don't like your answer :) there is something calming about seeing the truth. So actually, it was just what I needed to hear/read. I know you are right. I'm sure there is some kind of reason why I met him and woke up all these feelings. Having re-read my post to you I see that it has far too much stuff in it that if someone else were to google crush, he'd recognize this and know it was me. So if you wouldn't mind, would you delete my last post?

Thank you for all your help and your words of clarify.

Diana Laurence said...

That's very brave of you, A., and I have indeed deleted your post now! Wouldn't want you to worry. Keep your chin up and keep up that courage!

Anonymous said...

Thank you Diane. Do you mind if I ask you why you said I was brave?

Diana Laurence said...

Just that you are courageous to face the truth of the situation even if it's not fun!

Anonymous said...

I found your blog through a Google search and wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your words. I've had a long-distance crush for years during which I've idealized the person in question. I recently had the chance to act on it during a trip. Now, back at home, I'm feeling especially bereft and idealizing the other person more than ever. (We were together long enough during the meeting for me to see more of the person's good qualities but not long enough to see anything else.) Instead of trying to push away these feelings as painful ones, I'll try to embrace them as positive forces. Thank you!

Diana Laurence said...

Anonymous, you made my day! I so often feel there's so little I can do for the people that post here. I'm really glad my words helped you!

WanderingSoul said...

Anonymous,
It seems as we are both living parallel lives, I too faced a similar incident, and I know how that feels (running into "the person" after many years). I too googled out of desperation to find answers, and landed into this blog, and this blog gave me this sense of relief that I am not alone in this.

I usually check this blog couple of times a week but somehow I missed your initial posting :)

Anonymous said...

Hi everyone, just a little update - Im the lady who posted about her physio !

Its now 4 months since I thought my life was rubbish and needed flushing away ;0)and Im glad to report that I'm officially a survivor. Ive forgiven my husband for not being as perfect as the object of my desires =0) and I can now laugh at how carried away I got.

I guess I just wanted to post to let anyone else going through this know that it does pass and you will be ok.

Chin up xxx

Diana Laurence said...

That's wonderful, and it was so nice of you to come back and post an update! I can look back myself on so many infatuation-based catastrophes I've had which ended up, in retrospect, quite ridiculous. That's what desire and romantic feelings do to a person...no one should be ashamed if it's happened to him or her. It's great to be reminded that the misery does pass--thanks so much, and I'm glad you're doing so much better!

Martial Arts Woman said...

Let me jump on the "I Googled 'how to get over a crush'" bandwagon.

I am the type of woman who has one crush after another. It took me years to get over someone I had a crush on in junior high. I normally find myself replacing one crush with another and I don't like that at all. I'd rather just have my mind be, for lack of a better term, empty. I don't want to move from one fixation to the next.

My current crush is driving me batty. I'm in my late 20s and this crush is in his late teens and in college. He's one of my martial arts instructors and hard to avoid. I've had this crush for over a year and don't know how to just let it go.

I've never tried to ask him out because I knew it was unfeasible and wouldn't work. Age difference aside, he only sees me as one of his martial arts students. I was his Facebook friend for a few weeks, but he dropped me (and others) stating that he "wants to keep work and private life separate" (though he befriended martial arts students closer to his own age).

There are times when I think he senses I have a crush on him and he keeps his distance, and other times when I think he's naive and clueless about and is very social with me. He vacillates back and forth between being a wise-beyond-his-years martial arts instructor to being a young kid desperate for approval. Hmm.

I hate this crush because I can't tell people about it. Some people I've told have told me to "go for it," but they've now gotten tired of my stories about him and want me to move on. Others have told me I've lost my mind for crushing on someone who's nearly a decade younger than me. I feel I'm too young to be considered a "Mrs. Robinson"!

I know I'm an attractive woman, but I can never seem to get normal, attractive guys to approach me. Only thugs and scrubs like me, and they approach me in the crudest manner ("Girl, look be lookin' good, shorty!" is not the way I want any man to approach me). I feel that's why I constantly have crushes - if I can't get someone decent to like me in the real world, at least I can have that in my imagination.

I think crushes are all about self-esteem. I know I have work to do with feeling better about myself, and it's a long process. If I had more confidence, I wouldn't have to pine over a crush I could never have, and I could open myself out there to someone who is right for me.

Sorry for the long post. I know you're not a psychologist, but I just needed some place to vent about it. Thanks for giving me the space to do so.

Diana Laurence said...

M.A.W., I wish you could step out of yourself, reread your comment, and get an objective view of who you are...because you strike me as a very intelligent, self-aware, articulate, together person. I know your feelings are out of your control, but you certainly have every other aspect of your situation well figured out.

I have no idea what would truly be the best advice to give you, but for some reason I felt like telling you that if you could just relegate your crushes more to the fantasy side of life, and not feel shame about them, that might help. Having the propensity for perpetual crushing is not a character flaw, as long as you can manage it in a way that doesn't cause you to suffer. Clearly you recognize things wouldn't work out in reality with this guy. But there's nothing wrong or weird about daydreaming about him, as long as you recognize it's "recreational."

I maybe feel like saying this to you because I see so many reasons why you should have high self-esteem, and wonder if you belittle yourself too much over your crushes. In feeling bad about them, you make them seem more significant and give them more power over your life.

Okay, I'll shut up now! I hope these ravings helped somehow. And please, hang in there waiting for Mr. Right. My two beautiful, intelligent, funny, terrific daughters also had to wait ridiculously long for non-loser guys. It's not you, it's the lack of male maturity. :-)

Martial Arts Woman said...

Thanks for your feedback!

"I wish you could step out of yourself, reread your comment, and get an objective view of who you are...because you strike me as a very intelligent, self-aware, articulate, together person. I know your feelings are out of your control, but you certainly have every other aspect of your situation well figured out."

I feel like Mr. Spock - human emotion is fighting with logic and common sense.

I've done dumb things with every crush I had. I would bend over backwards to the point of embarrassment for them. In high school my crushes were quickly found out and I'd be taunted, shunned and teased because they were usually popular guys who wanted nothing to do with nerds like me.

As an adult I've become more discreet about my crushes, but I still catch myself doing things. With this college kid martial arts instructor, I baked cookies for him on a few occasions (and by default for his friend too), offered him a ride home from an event in my rental though he wouldn't let me drive him all the way home (once again, his friend by default), and other things. I don't know why I find myself bending over backwards for someone who didn't ask for those things nor truly appreciated I did those things. What was I thinking? What was I expecting in return?

Now I'm trying to ease up. No more baking or random gifts, no more rides if I happen to have a rental, and I try to act nonchalant around him. I will also stop staying after for his individual class so I'll have less reason to obsess over him. As I said in another note I sense he may know I have a crush on him, but neither he nor the other instructors or my classmates have called me out on it. I hope it stays that way.

"I see so many reasons why you should have high self-esteem, and wonder if you belittle yourself too much over your crushes. In feeling bad about them, you make them seem more significant and give them more power over your life."

I've been programmed to feel like this, and now I'm working on deprogramming myself from that negative thinking. I grew up being called "nerd" and "ugly," and no guys ever liked me. I'm out of my "ugly duckling" phase and am getting male attention, but not from the right guys. It will take a lot to get myself from thinking I'm that pitiful nerd I was when I was a kid. I'm working on it, but still have miles to go.

Thanks once again for your comments.

Diana Laurence said...

It definitely seems like "getting through" to the guys you crush on is acting like a test for your self-approval. And boy do I know what THAT'S like. I've done the same sorts of gift-giving behaviors many time, and suffered when they weren't appreciated or reciprocated. And yet you feel if you give up trying, you utterly fail the test. As you say, the key is to independently believe in your own worth. And it does take hard work and practice.

All the best to you, and remember, I told you you're a great person so it must be true! :-)

Anonymous said...

I posted as Anonymous 7:18 p.m. a few weeks ago.

Not my proudest moments over the past couple of weeks. Going against my own plan of allowing time its healing powers, I instead wrote (and sent) my crush a letter declaring my feelings but saying that if they weren't reciprocated, I hoped we could remain friends. Response: Absolutely nothing. I'm holding out irrational hope that maybe the letter got lost, hasn't yet made it there, etc.; but I need to accept the most likely explanation. I've never felt so alone right now - and so guilty as well. It seems terribly indulgent to dwell on an unrequited crush, especially at this time of year, when the world's misfortunes seem magnified and I should be counting my blessings. Yet my mind seems fixated on my own hopeless longings.

Anyway, it's back to allowing time to work its healing magic. I'm grateful to Diana for keeping this subject available for all of us. Wishing everyone the best in their situations (and special good wishes to WanderingSoul).

Anonymous said...

I like what you were saying.
I'll try it out.
I'll let you know how it goes!
(wish me luck! I need it!)

Diana Laurence said...

To both you Anonymouses (Anonymi?), hang in there and good luck to you in your efforts!

Anonymous said...

Ok, you're very aware of what people want and why people get into a crush, I'd add that we search for people alike us, we get very interested into people we find "perfect" but sure you are right that perfect person is not any different from above is not perfect and has positive and negative parts of herself.
For leaving a crush I'd recommend anyone to become Christian! In the love of God we can rest anytime and feel we're valuable and always find hope.
Thans Diana.

Note: I've had several crushes in my life some were possible some are not but hopeless and it doesn't help to have a crush real people aren't perfect.

rachele said...

Hello…Thank you for this blog…it is helpful and this is my first time blogging…I've been in a relationship for about 3 years and I have a crush on someone I occasionally work with, the company I work for is one of his clients. I don't know if he is single or not, although I have a feeling he is. The attraction is obviously there and I find myself thinking about him all the time. Somehow it is so much easier to fantasize about him than finding the motivation to make my current relationship more exciting. My boyfriend truly loves me but I feel like there is no more spark, like the attraction I had for him faded away. Being attracted to someone new is so easy, but making a relationship last require so much self motivation, cause the infatuation never last… I’m hanging between a rational part of me that tells me to give up the crush and an emotional part of me that is compulsively fanaticizing about him and the next time I will be seeing him. I know men have sex fantasies but what is it about us women that makes us so willing to lose our self completely and go all the way fantasizing about someone. I think your theory about the masculine part of our soul makes sense. We are socially trained to look for someone else to fulfill our lacking that we never stop searching…Anyways, the reason why this crush is so hard for me is because is not all that impossible, I could actually give up my guy for this one if I truly wanted to…but what is the point if after a few years I would be in this same position again?

Diana Laurence said...

Rachele, your question is a very important one, and something I'm sure many (if not most) people have asked themselves at least once in their lives. I'd like to address it fully in its own blog post sometime in the next few days. So check back. And if I remember, I'll put a link to the new post here in the comments as well. Thanks for raising a key issue!

Diana Laurence said...

Okay Rachele, as promised, "The Spark is Gone--Should You Move On?"

heartache said...

found ur blog from google. thank u so much for the advice, especially tip #4. i felt slightly better after reading that tip, and knowin that i'm not alone in this, that there are so many ppl out there with similar issues. will try thinkin over the anima thing n hopefully the crush will fade away. thanks again diana =)

Diana Laurence said...

So glad the post and comments helped, Heartache...best of luck to you and hang in there!

Anonymous said...

I have a crush on a girl and it's alot different than any of the others I've ever had. I met her online and to be honest I've never even really seen what she looks like. I talk to her pretty much everyday and she is a blast to talk to and was intended to be just some online friend at first. I'm at a new place right not and I don't have ANY friends to talk to and being alone is not helping. I'm miserable and she is all I think about. I want to remove myself from her but at the same time I want to continue to be friends. We plan on meeting each other in the future and it's inevitable it's going to happen. She's about 7 years older than me and is ALOT smarter and I could never be with her. This is so much worse than any crush I've ever had. I'm at the point right now where all I can do is think about her and I can't even hardly move.

Anonymous said...

hey thanks for your advice,
it 2 am and i could not sleep.been thinkin about my crush of 1 year, i love this guy so much i would do anything for him. mi have even goen to he exent of googling casting love spell but they did not work...the anoying this is that he is single yet he wont date me. i went for dinner with him once and spend the night at his hotle but refused his sex advances and i have a feeling thats where it went wrong....am glad i did not sex him coz am sure i'd be feeling worse now...now that you said to focus on the flaws,,,he kinda has a big nose..lol

Anonymous said...

This write up really helped. After having a crush on a good friend for over a year a half, I have been searching for some sort of magical resolve. It's painful considering I see this person each day. They are moving on with someone else, and that pains me more. Crushes are so tough, and not fair. Especially when your gut instinct is that you deserve to be with this person and they would benefit from being with you. C'est La Vie.

Anonymous said...

Good advice~ I've looked on a bunch 'o sites, and the whole "make a list of the negative qualities" thing seems really important. :) It's helped me a lot.

Anonymous said...

these are very good tips...but i just cant do it. no matter how many people i ask for advice or help im still in love with my crush. Ive only known him for 8 months but i feel like i known him all my life. He helps me with my problems , he always gives me hugs when he sees me, he always makes me smile. Every time i put myself down he always disagree with me no matter how many times i say its true he'll deny it. He always has something nice to say to me. He kind of flirts with me alittle lol. but it seems he just wants to be best friends with me and nothing more . This crush has been going on since i meet him. I told him that i like him more than a friend ...But all he said was "oo awww"...You see even though im now trying to get over him but theirs a part of me that just doesnt want to let go. i never felt like this before for anybody except for him. If it wasnt for him i dont know how i would make it. I need him in my life even if its just bestfriends love ....my love for him comes from not only my heart but my soul...no matter how many times i tried to fall back or not really talk to him he always makes me fall for him again... :'(

psychologicalbooks.blogspot.com said...

This article is good.its helpful for all persons.congratulations .

Anonymous said...

Thanks for this blog. I've been dealing with a crush on a much younger man. I've never been attracted to younger men, so not sure what it is about this one.....anyways, I finally talked it out with him which is helping me deal with my feelings. And I so agree with you about keeping it in your imagination. That's the best part of it. I've also used it to rekindle my 17 year old married love life. Whatever works right? I'm just wondering how long I can be friends with my crush or am I being totally unrealistic?

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for this article, lots of great tips! For me, I have only felt this way about one other person and the circumstances were both very similar. I started off seeing a guy who pursued me, we hit it off, things started to get serious rapidly (NOT sexual, but constant communication and the "I want to see you's"), and then after a week or two I notice a change/fading away so instead of waiting for the guy to end things, (bc I know hes a coward and will only string me along if I don't end it) I tell him it's not going to work and walk away. My problem? I have the courage to stand up for myself, but I don't have the strength to deal w/ the consequences. For instance, now all I do is obsess over the past situation, dream about him/wake up with anxiety everyday, pray for a text from him, EVERYTHING seems to remind me of him, it sucks.
I think the reason I have been in these 2 situations is b/c I put the person on a pedestal and end up feeling like shit when they don't end up "fighting" for me because then I wonder whats wrong with me that this "wonderful" person won't return my feelings? (both guys were football stars, one is going to the nfl). Do you see my problem? Do you have any suggestions specific to my situation? I would really appreciate it!

Deep Brown Eyes said...

This was so helpful. Its funny that you used Rob Pattinson as an example when he's the one I'm obsessing over. Its been bad. I find myself hurt when I see pictures of he and Kristen. I knew then it had become unhealthy. Number #4 had crossed my mind earlier and when I read itm it was further validation for me what was really going on with this crush. I am really crushing over the character "Edward Cullen". Moreover, I am longing for my soulmate. Thanks for posting this on your blog. So insightful. I will follow up to let you know how this worked :)

Deep Brown Eyes

Little to Love but Lots to Learn said...

Crushes may seem harmless, but I've had mine for 7+ years. I'm young so I have time to heal if he breaks my heart. He thinks we're just friends but I just can't decide what to think about him.

Anonymous said...

I have had a crush on my married co-worker for about 3 months. Then at the beginning of the year, he became my boss. It's only gotten worse and the worse part is I think there is a mutual attraction. It's a little un-nerving because there has been so much flirtation and a few touches but now that you mentioned the Jungian concept of anima/amimus it's become totally comfortable. I know why I have a crush on this beautiful, smart, witty, and sexually charged man. He is a male version of me. (Also explains why I am very comfortable talking to him about subjects I would otherwise be leary of talking about with most people.)

Now maybe my crush can turn into the next step in my growth and developement as a person. Thanks, Diana!!

Anonymous said...

hey Diana, I've had a crush on a close friend of mine for more than a year now and I just made mu boyfriend mad at me for mentioning it to him. I don't know what to do...should I tell him the truth? break up with my boyfriend? Do I love him? he is that guy i've always dreamt of...this has never happened before and its breaking me..

Melanie said...

I currently have a crush, ahem, infatuation, with some guy whose name shall not mentioned. Even though I barely know him, somehow I like him. (That's probably why it's infatuation.) I think it's quite painful to have this sort of crush because I keep alternating between the phases of "he likes me" and he likes me not." I definitely need to get over him.

Anonymous said...

u see i just moved to a new country i only knew 1 person from be4 and i have a crush on him, and i cant forget him, and he doesnt have any bad habbits that i can hate, i think am falling for him even,,,help am in trouble
thank u

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much. When I understood its my imagination thats making her special, getting over my crush is not my priority now! :)

Anonymous said...

HELP PLEASE !!
Happily married having a passionate crush over my boss. He is also married and has grand kids.
He has been treated me very nicely yet professionally, he might find me attractive but don't think the feelings are mutual.
What do I do. I hate the way I feel abt him.. when I see him or talk to him or hear his name, I lose control of my mind and want his attention so badly... I think women are the worst creatures to control their brain and rationale... I never had such passionate crush on anyone and I admit is WRONG but I dont know how to make it go AWAY FOREVER .... any advise, much appreciated.

cs said...

I read a few other things on the Internet about getting over a crush, and this was the most touching. Number 4, "Rejoicing that the pretend version of your crush truly does belong to you," really made me feel comforted. After all, the desire is to want to BE with that person, or even so much as consume them, get inside them, be with them, and in the case of an inappropriate crush (in my case, I am 39 1/2 pining over a 27 year old), to envision this person in a loving light and imagining that I am already connected with him is a beautiful thought. I can enjoy that person in a different context, something more ethereal, like, I was with them in a past life; we are already connected, etc. Letting go is one of the greatest acts of love and to think I can release this person from my obsessive thoughts and be happy for him regarding whomever he ends up with, makes me feel like I am able to "love" him in a way that is possible. Thank you so much for this wonderful blog post!

Anonymous said...

I have a crush on my married boss. Luckily he lives in another state, but we communicate constantly.

I feel like its only a matter of time before lines are crossed. There is flirting and teasing, but its junior high stuff. He hints at me relocating.

I think I could get over it quicker if he talked about his wife more, but he rarely mentions her. Not even casually. If I hadn't seen his ring I would have assumed he was single. He has 1 daughter but he makes it seem like he's a single father.

I've also tried to reconcile fantasy vs reality. I have done all the psychoanalyzing and I don't think I'm projecting anything or elevating him in my mind.

I don't think he is a perfect man- in fact I know he's not. I am just REALLY attracted to him. We clicked and he pushes ALL the right buttons.

Anonymous said...

hey....... i m 15 yrs . have been crushing over d same guy for 2 yrs now...... i noe him coz i used 2 hang out with his sis...... there's still a hi- how r u conversation with his sis and mom when we meet..... but it kills me....this pain........ he alwayz irritated me as a bro would irritate his sister's frnd............. if i have 2 sum it up in 1 line....... i heart u, u haunt me . p.s. sumtimes i dream 'bout him 2.... :(

Anonymous said...

hey....... i m 15 yrs . have been crushing over d same guy for 2 yrs now...... i noe him coz i used 2 hang out with his sis...... there's still a hi- how r u conversation with his sis and mom when we meet..... but it kills me....this pain........ he alwayz irritated me as a bro would irritate his sister's frnd............. if i have 2 sum it up in 1 line....... i heart u, u haunt me . p.s. sumtimes i dream 'bout him 2.... :(

suzie D said...

Well I have a real crush on a guy who works at my job not a celebrity. The problem is the reason I have a crush on him is because he seems to have one on me. At first I was annoyed when I found him looking at me when I wasn't looking, jumpin into conversation to talk me, asking me questions about where I like to go and where I reside. But then I started to fall for him and now I have a crush on him too. This is where things go bad I just found out he has a girl friend from a corker so Im alittle hurt/pissed and now im trying to distance myself when he is around even tho he has no clue. The other day I looked up and I found him hopelessly glazing at me like a puppy so I quickly looked down like I didn't notice. His behavior makes it hard for me to get over the crush. I dont know what to do but I know im not flirting with him ever again since he has a girlfriend.. Im not sure if I should be here or him... Help

Anonymous said...

I'm guilty of googling "how to get over a crush", haha, and your blog is really the only thing that has brought me some relief. I have been crushing on people and celebrities ever since I can remember. I'm engaged now, to an amazing person that I dates for 5 years. But I have also developed a very strong crush on a coworker who has been married for a couple years. And I think the feelings are mutual, and although crushes are harmless I'm afraid that if there was an opportunity to cheat, I would have. But after reading what youve written, I can better understand whats going on. Hopefully if I can continue to view my crush as just a projection of myself, the best guy my mind can come up with......all just in my imagination......it will keep me from doing things that would terribly jeopardise my relationship. Thanks for this!

Anonymous said...

I'm only a teenager so a crush seems kind of inevitable, sadly. Thanks so much this article has helped a lot I kind of laugh because I really did google this. Since the beginning of the school year I met a guy in a lot of my classes and something about him just started to make me fall. He would joke around with me and play with me in class by "accidentally" bumping Into me or he'd ruffle my hair or something, it was obvious he was starting to like me too, I even heard it from some people but I was in denial I couldn't believe he could really like me. Anyways at the end of the school year my friend asked both of us at the same time if we would go out with eachother, he said no so I said no, because I obviously didn't want to get rejected twice. After that my friend ( who was actually mutual friend between my crush and I) said we were both lying so school ended just like that, no texting, no talking, no goodbye and while I think about him all the time I realized I wasn't upset or missing him, I was upset about what never was.. In the end he really liked me but gave up and now I just want to do the same.

Anonymous said...

I have had the worst kind of crush on my secretary, who is married with kids, for what's been over a year, and I just can't get over it. I'm happily married with a child of my own too which makes everything so much worse.

Apart from just having friendly conversations with her that borders on flirting, I've never made a move on her, nor will I ever. In fact, I've tried everything to shake it, that I've decided I'm going to switch jobs. I'm not a home wrecker and am committed to my own family. But man, it really hurts that it has come to this.

Anonymous said...

OK... how about when you have had a crush on someone that you had no idea knew you existed. Then for them to tell you that they think you're special. You meet up a few times, have "bad" relations a couple of times.LOL but you have to see this person daily. You sort of have the crush, but its more embarassing than anything once you've crossed that line of intimacy. What do you do then.

Anonymous said...

I have had a crush on one person for over 22 years. I felt rejected when I did try to talk to him so my life headed down a different direction. I have looked for him over the years through goggle and other means and just got up the nerve to email him one day before my 40th birthday. I wanted to let this go once and for all. Find out if he's married with children and know that this will never happen. I have two wonderful kids myself but when I did email him he could not recall how I looked but could recall the name and after my second email to him with more info I have yet to get a responds. My 40th birthday has come and gone but why am I still crushing on him. I believe it's because it reminds me of my youth. I was 18. He was a few years older (5 or 10). Other things happened that I believe plays a big part in this but he could have responded to the last one even if it is to say, "It was nice or not nice hearing from you. Please do not contact me again!" I guess I just really need to let this go.

WanderingSoul said...

Response to: "OK... how about when you have had a crush on someone that you had no idea knew you existed. "

I was in a similar situation like you are, started from highschool but I never had guts to approach her, and then we met again in the University, that is when I decided to let her know, and I made possible all the wrong moves in the text book. Now looking back and I realized the reasons for my blunder was I waited way too long, and she was the first one ever made me feel this way, and in a messed up way I even felt that were supposed to be together, and believing in soulmates. And from her perspective, she had no clue who I was, and I was just another guy from highschool and University (nothing special), and my first attempt to let her know backfired big time, wounded me almost crippled me. Thanks to Diana she guided me towards Carl Jung's "anima, animus" theory which pretty much explained everything. The person I was was madly in luv was already within me, and I just projected that person on her. Pretty much I have mapped her face on my anima. Looking back, if I had a choice again, I would have kept my crush to myself, I could have saved myself from being crushed.
My advice would be, if your crush is very young let the person know asap don't wait. But if you had waited way too long, and if your crush has developed for long time, similarly to mine, just read about Carl Jung on anima and animus and your crush may not seem very special as you may feel. Time will heal everything, and I am not going to promise that you will forget about him/her but person would become irrelevant to your life with time. and don't let others demoralize you, that is the key

PS: I haven't check this page for long time almost 2 yrs, which is a positive sign :)

Anonymous said...

I had a project overseas for one month this summer and I met a guy who is married. During the project period, he was very nice and kind to me, and took very good care of me because I don't speak the language. He made me feel very special. At that time, I did not realize I had a crush on him.

I came back to US, I cannot stop thinking about him. I am also married, but my marriage has some issues now. It has been four months, it is not improving for my mind. I know I should not feel that way, so I have been searching what is going on with me and how can I forget him.

He also said to me he likes me, so he tried very hard to re-arrange his work schedule to fly to US this December to attend a conference with me. So I will see him in four weeks. I am very nervous to see him. First of all, he did not know I have a huge crush on him. Second, I don't know how to behave around him. Third, I am worried I could not control my emotions. I don't want to do anything I will regret.

Any advice for me. Many thanks...

Anonymous said...

What if you can't get over this person and you're too ashamed to see a professional. I understand that the person I have a crush on represents more to me than just a crush, more like missed opportunities, mistakes I've made in my life and so on. I also realize that if other factors where not involved I wouldn't be giving this person the time of day. .......

Anonymous said...

My advice to young people out there......if you truly like someone, don't be afraid of rejection, tell them. Unless they are married or too old for you. But the biggest regret I have in my life is not failing.........but not trying, not giving it my all. Sometimes, when that special someone say no.....though it may hurt like heck it gives us closer. A lot of us don't have closure because we never tried. We never got answer and we are still waiting for it.

Anonymous said...

My advice to young people out there......if you truly like someone, don't be afraid of rejection, tell them. Unless they are married or too old for you. But the biggest regret I have in my life is not failing.........but not trying, not giving it my all. Sometimes, when that special someone say no.....though it may hurt like heck it gives us closer. A lot of us don't have closure because we never tried. We never got answer and we are still waiting for it.

Lydia said...

Hello, I don't suppose you remember my comment from about two years ago... It was, I believe, entirely composed of questions, which may or may not have come across in a totally obnoxious and/or distraught manner. many apologies if it was the obnoxious option. I've been reading the comments on this blog as they came into my emails, and I suppose they've helped me keep track of where I was in my emotional development since then. They reminded me so much of the comment I once made on here that I just thought I'd check in and tell you how I've been since, even if you don't remember me. I was in a state of melancholy for nearly two years after parting from the guy I mentioned, though my thoughts were by no means focused on solely him for all that time. Given that he affected me with such poignancy, I won't belittle my past self so much as to say that I did not love him - I would even go so far as to say that I still love him, though in an entirely different way. I think that what made him so hard to get over was that the feelings of the crush got all tangled up with loving who he was that they were impossible to distinguish. Now that I am finally happy again (and in a stable relationship with a guy I am absolutely, without question, doubt, dispute, or confusion in-love-with and who loves me too,) it seems funny how little I knew about emotions and how very aware I was of my ignorance. I knew the real thing had to be more, but I had no scale to compare it to, thus it was torture. It also didn't help that I remained single for the next two years and had never had a boyfriend before the end of that period either. I can remember thinking that nothing could possibly make me feel worse than those nearly two years did, too... I was wrong, by the way - Try 3 months in a trans-Atlantic long-distance relationship you think has to last 2 years after only getting 2 months with the guy before hand. I felt like it shouldn't be possible to feel that way and still exist, and yet I couldn't wish for death, stop existing, or do anything to alleviate the hollowness. Anyway, I couldn't take it anymore and got him to buy my ticket back after 2 months. I have now been back for about a month, and all problems are fixed, except that we both remain in a state of extreme distaste for any kind of separation that must last longer than 48 hours. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this except to say that, as I always believed, all stories have happy endings no matter how depressed you may feel when you're in the worst bits of your own. Also that people grow and mature in their views on life and that there is always a solution to every situation, and that time heals all wounds (though it never heard of anesthetic)... and etc, etc, you know the drill. Anyway, I just wanted to say that this blog and its commenters have really stuck with me, so... thanks, and I'm happy. I have found what I've wanted and been literally sobbing myself to sleep mooning over for the past forever. Early days, I know, but sometimes you just have to trust in forever, and I do, as does my boyfriend. Sorry for the long and rambling nature of this comment... in my defense, it's 6:15AM and I've been up all night.

Tyler schmitt said...

I have a crush on one of my managers where I work and she's a couple years older than me and she has a boyfriend it's a hopeless crush and its a mix of lust and the fact that she's really cool. I have pretty bad self esteem as is but this is a whole new low.

Anonymous said...

I have posted my story 5 posts ago. This week, my crush came across Atlantic ocean to meet me in a conference. I saw him and we still have a good time, but I realize my crush is not for real, it is only my fantasy. We behaved very nervous around each other, I guess time and distance can make a lot of things different. I realize I have forgotten how his voice sounds. I think this meeting will be a wake up call for me to forget fantisizing him for something which is not there. I believe he viewed me only as a friend, not anything else. I should do the same thing. I really agree with Dianna Laurence's theory, I fall in love with my subconcious, an ideal version of self projection.

Anonymous said...

So, I have felt sooooo guilty about crushing on my boss. I mean, it really seems like we are brother and sister or at least that is what every one says. But after working with each other for more than a year, 40 hours a week (which is longer than I choose to stay with boyfriends) I started having small, little, feelings for him. I feel especially bad cause he and I are now friends and he tells me about his life and I know that until I am married myself we can't even really be that. It is sad but true and a good thing I came across your blog. I actually feel like if I practice some of this stuff those little crush feelings will fly away with time and practice. It doesn't help that he admitted that he feels that way toward me, which BTW I did not tell him I felt that way. I feel strong enough though to be able to keep him at a distance now. Thank you again so much!!! Wow, I feel very much at peace now.

Lydia said...

Forgive me for butting in, but to the last anonymous commentor, is this in reference to a previous comment? I must be missing something, but Id like to know: If your boss has admitted he has feeling for you, why not give it a chance? And why all the guilt? I just want to know your reasoning, I don't mean to pry. Myself, I'd risk it... I know things get complicated and it might be unprofessional, but I don't know... perhaps I'm naive and a hopeless romantic, but I always feel things should be given a chance. Sorry if I'm giving advice where it's not wanted...

Anonymous said...

I am the last two posts following my post about my crush. . I think I agree with Lydia, if your boss is not married, he likes you . why not give a try?

My case is complicated, both my crush and I are married, even he is everything I like in a man , the problem is he is not mine. I have to control my feelings in order to still be friends with him. I think he was trying to keep a polite distance as well.

I was very sad after he flew back to Europe. I still miss him and think about him all the time. He likes me visit him every summer, I politely refused. I have to pretend I don't like him that much otherwise he will detect my feelings for him. It was very hard for me but I have to be responsible for both families. I don't want to hurt anyone. Moreover, my crush likes me, not loves me. So this is the bottom line. I just need to get over my feelings for him that's all.

Anonymous said...

This is so insightful. Enjoy your crush secure in knowing it will never come to anything in reality.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for feeling my post is insightful, but it is very painful for me. It still hurts me every night thinking about him. I have tried several ways to forget him and stop fantasizing him... but I have not been successful. I am traveling again, hopefully it can heal my hole in my heart.

Anonymous said...

Right. I've liked this guy for a couple of years at school now and it feels like a crush. He said that he used to like me but because his best friend 'loved' me there was nothing he could do...now in class he looks at me then looks away but thats it. We used to talk all the time on the phone and text but now we just ignore eachother yet i still have feelings for him. SOMEONE HELP :L

Anonymous said...

Basically, your option is to confront with him and tell him about your feelings. You might get two reactions, one is he does not like you anymore, the other is he still likes you.

If it is the first case, then you just need to get over a crush. Well, it is easy to say. Many methods to get over a crush are discussed in many website, but none of them is guaranteed to work for YOU, specifically. It is painful and heartbroken to let a love go, but you have to. I found writing a journal is really helping. In most cases, we like what the crush respresents to you, not the crush itself. Writing to him about how you feel in your own journal. Day by day, it will help.

If it is the second case that he still likes you, then you two can go out together to see whether this crush can change to a love.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

this help me a lot. imagine me, a 16 year old girl , having a crush in a 42 year old man, feeeeel so iritating, so this help me a lot, he is even older than my dad :) thank you so much

Anonymous said...

I am glad my post helps you. Knowing the age difference, then my answer will be a little bit different now.

You certainly don't want to confront with him about your feeling. Likely event he has feeling for you, he will not act on it due to the age and social status difference. I also assume him is married already. If he acted on his feeling, you would not think highly of him as well, be cause he is taking advantage of you and your feeling, right?

One thing I read online trying to get over my crush is that imagining your crush and you fall in love and live the rest of your lives together, how would that be? The results might not be that pretty. He will be 72 in 30 years and you are only 46, the best time of your life. You have to take care of this old man, whom you might not love that much any more. Moreover, if he has children, it is another situation for you to deal with. Believe me, you may come between him and his wife, but not him with his children. His children will hate you for stealing their father. Men can often be cowards at critical moments.

Just like playing chest, thinking a few steps ahead, then all the butterflies and fantasies are not turning into happily ever after, right?

I am hoping you could get over this. I am writing to you, it is actually writing to myself, because I am still in the process of getting over my own crush. It's helping myself as well.

Good luck, young girl.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for helping and I hope the advice works out for the best :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the advice but the only problem is that we haven't talked in ages so i feel like i can't just randomly go up to him and admit my feelings which leaves the hard part...plan B, getting over him :/

Anonymous said...

Okay basically i've liked this guy years and he used to like me until his best friend who liked me messed it up. I haven't spoken to this guy until recently on facebook chat when he was talking about a different girl that he liked and said stuff like her being the prettiest girl in the school :/ I know he clearly doesn't like me anymore but how am i supposed to get over him?.....Help!

Anonymous said...

My friend, I think for you to admit he does not like you any more is the very first step to get over the crush.

Let's face it, he does not like you any more, it does not do you any good to still hold on to the feeling you have for him, right? You deserve to have someone adore you a like a princess, not any thing less...

I think, first thing is not to contact him for a while, because by writing to him, talking to him, or any communications, it will constantly remind you how wonderful he is, so it will generates the fantasy imaginations of your mind again. It's not good for you, especially in the end, you know everything you imagin is not real.

Give youself some time away from him, you will have time to enjoy yourself. Buy more good clothes, new hair style, travel to different places, meet more people. It will open new doors for you.

In the end, every day, you look in the mirror, you see a beautiful and successful young woman. Love yourself before others love you, right?

I hope you can find someone crazy about you as well...

I have to work now, if I get time, I will write more in the future.

Good luck my friend.