Time to Revise Your Hot Villains List: Christoph Waltz

Those of us who keep track of the hottest villains in cinematic history have had to bump a new member to the head of the class: Christoph Waltz, who appears in Quentin Tarantino’s latest gem, “Inglourious Basterds.” The Austrian actor portrays Hans Landa, the Nazi officer known as “the Jew Hunter,” and his performance has garnered some two-dozen-plus acting award nominations and a growing list of wins.

(It’s always nice when I crush on someone age-appropriate.)


This character makes Anthony Perkin’s Norman Bates seem sane, and Malcolm MacDowell’s Caligula look nice. In case you haven’t seen the film yet, I won’t ruin any of the surprises...but suffice it to say, he commits all kinds of traditional Nazi acts of despicable vileness. The thing that sets Hans Landa apart is not so much what he does as how he does it.

Like the most well-bred of princes, he wields gestures both charming and graceful, all the while maintaining an air of menace so overpowering that you pray to just get it over with (whatever horror “it” will prove to be). Does his smile seem bright and congenial? Give it a second and it will wax demented and terrifying. And if you’re entertaining the hope that you might outsmart him, forget it—he’s three steps ahead and is simply toying with you.

In rereading that paragraph, I find that it could just as easily describe a number of characters that have come before Hans Landa. The charming but lethal Nazi is, after all, a cinematic cliché. I’m afraid words just can’t do justice to this particular performance, to this character who is equal parts fascinating and horrifying, and both at the same time. Mad props to Tarantino for writing him—and as I writer I recognize that element of the brilliance—but as Q.T. himself has said, it is Waltz who raises Landa to a triumphant level.

I think perhaps it is because Hans Landa is so utterly convinced of his own righteousness and even benevolence that he comes across not as an evil fellow who can feign charm, but rather a man whose graciousness is actually—somehow!—sincere. He seems to think he is utterly right, perfectly congenial, amusing, amiable, even while he inflicts unspeakable brutality on his fellow man. He is, in short, completely mad; and even after you embrace this truth about him, the depth and quality of his insanity will stun you again and again.

As will the fact that Hans is, somehow, likeable.


Not that a guy like this can evoke any true emotions but hate and fear...but he is endlessly entertaining to watch, from his employment of perfect English and French along with the German (it’s awesome that all the characters speak the languages they are supposed to), to his chess-player-style cool logic.

Why is it always so amusing to be attracted to characters who make your skin crawl? Just one of those quirks of the human race, I guess. I’m sure the last thing on Christoph Waltz’s agenda in executing this incredible performance was to be sexy, but I’m afraid like countless well-portrayed villains before him, he definitely is.

Next up, Waltz will be appearing as Sigmund Freud in “The Talking Cure,” scheduled for a 2011 release. I’m so glad he has finally broken into American film and only wish I’d discovered him before now. In the meantime, he’ll be raking in more deserved awards for his role as Hans, the least of which is his inclusion on my list of favorite film villains of all time.

From Horror to Romance: Vampires Transformed

So, I can now share with you more about the book I’m currently writing for early 2010 release by Sellers Publishing. It’s called How to Catch and Keep a Vampire and will be a step-by-step guide to finding, selecting, wooing and being in a relationship with a vampire. Surely everyone will want a copy, right?

I’m about halfway through drafting the book and so far I’m having a wonderful time addressing issues like what traits are most attractive to vampires, how to relate to these undead charmers, etc. As I research the matter online I have been finding out just how many people out there have burning questions on this subject. I’m glad to do my part to provide answers and clarification. And yes, this book is supposed to be funny. But also helpful. You’ll just have to read it to see how this all shakes down.

Needless to say, this project has brought to my mind just what a huge volume of vampire literature, lore, and pop culture has accumulated from the time these creatures first appeared in our world. Particularly interesting to me is to watch the slow but sure evolution of the blood-drinker from horror icon to sex symbol.


If you want to go back to the earliest vampire movies, check out 1922’s German horror film “Nosferatu.” I share for you here a photo of Max Schreck in the starring role of Count Orloc, based upon Dracula from Bram Stoker’s novel. He is quite thoroughly unattractive and terrifying. And really, when you think about it, shouldn’t a creature that feeds on human blood be terrifying?

Nevertheless, from their earliest origins, vampires have always possessed a certain sexual allure, however shrouded in creepiness. The original movie Dracula, Bela Lugosi, certainly did. Everyone picked up immediately on the parallels between vampire victimization and erotic seduction. It wasn’t simply because the neck is an erogenous zone, although it is. There was also the eternal struggle of dominance and submission that we are often ashamed to associate with sex and therefore shroud in metaphor, like the vampire myth.

For most of my lifetime, the vampire genre has been a mixed bag of horror and eroticism. Both elements were always present—in different proportions, true, but always both. Only in recent years have we seen the erotic—and even, can you believe it, romantic—side rise to the fore. A lot of people will credit Stephenie Meyer and Twilight for this development, but in fact, it was brewing before her books became bestsellers. Romance readers have for years had an insatiable appetite for vampire romance. More and more authors (myself included with my novellas “Pints” and “The Verity of the Vampyre” and my novel Bloodchained) were finding ways before Twilight to provide romantic vampire heroes to our readers.

A century ago vampires were served up as horror characters with a dash of sexiness. Now it is all the rage to make vampires into sex symbols with a dash of the sinister, like Spike here from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”


I think the change is reflective of a larger societal transformation. And I think it’s a good one. We have become more accepting of our own “dark urges,” if you will. More and more people are discovering it’s possible to explore that side of the psyche and keep your moral compass. In fact, playing on the dark side can be refreshing and invigorating, and actually help a person keep to “the straight and narrow” in real life.

A similar phenomenon can be seen in the popularity of Harry Potter. Witches and warlocks were once nearly universally feared and loathed. But at Hogwarts, in spite of the mystery and intermittent scariness, we find the world of witchcraft turned into a wholesome environment in which kids can grow up.

How to Catch and Keep a Vampire would not have worked a hundred years ago unless it was about trapping and extermination. But happily, in today’s world there are a whole lot of people who love vampires and simply want to understand why they do, and what to do with that affection.

It’s going to be really fun for me to give them some ideas.

Looking for the Most Unforgettably Hot Heroes

Readers, I need your help. During April I am seeking a consensus on who are the truly unforgettable heroes of books, TV and film. And I want your opinion represented!

Back story: I do a monthly column for the Novelspot website, and for my April column I raised the topic. As much as we women can have our “hero-of-the-month”--the latest guy who gets to grace our computer wallpaper for a week or two--we also each have certain faves that seem to linger in our hearts all our lives. Something about them impacts us, hard, and we may even spend our whole lives measuring other males against them, both fictional and real life.

In case you’re wondering which three men I used for my own personal examples, they were:

• Books: Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice
• Movies: Klaatu from “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” 1951, played by Michael Rennie
• TV: Ben Linus from “Lost,” played by Michael Emerson

And you can read what I had to say about them in the post “What Hot Heroes Are Unforgettable to You?”


I promised to report what I hear in my May column, so please don’t leave me high and dry! You can post in the comments here, or if you prefer, email me at dianalaurence [at sign] wi.rr.com. Feel free to just give me names, but if you’d like to elaborate on your nominees’ appeal, by all means do so. Again, I’ll take any fictional characters, from books, movies or TV.

Let’s give these unforgettable guys their due!

BTW, the illustration of Mr. Darcy is a piece of a lovely painting by an artist called Sive, which you can see in full here: http://sive.deviantart.com/art/The-Dance-26167461

Happy Endings

I've written a lot of stories about sex...a lot...and up until recently I stuck to the HEA (happily ever after) formula that many romance publishing houses require. This was no great hardship--I'm pretty much a "half full" person. And I also feel that for the most part a positive attitude about sex is a healthy one. I'm not oblivious to the dark side of sexuality, far from it: I've had plenty of "secondhand experience" with that (meaning firsthand experience with people whose sexuality is pretty damn dark). It's crucial to be mindful and well-informed on that subject. But to dwell on it, well, that's not so helpful or healthy.

Nevertheless, for my next collection of erotic romance stories, I decided to liberate myself from the HEA requirement and see what happens. For one thing, I thought it would widen my creative options. For another, as a Jungian I feel it really is important to be cognizant of one's shadow self. For a third, I'll admit to being under the influence of the often extremely dark fantasy author Neil Gaiman...I'm sure I can blame him for bringing out my negative side. LOL

But I'm finding this new approach is not so simple. You can't, as a responsible author, simply say to yourself, "Screw the happy ending, let's just let everything get as f'ed up as possible and let the chips fall where they may!" I learned this lesson this past weekend while watching a movie--let me share.

The movie was "The Mist," and I'll not spoil the ending for you except to say it wasn't happy. It was really UNhappy. It was unhappy on the level of the totally nihilistic and super-depressing endings that were prevalent in 70's movies and fell out of vogue with the release of "Star Wars," thank heavens. To call it a downer is a major understatement.

I realize a person shouldn't expect a cheerful ending from a horror movie. I'm also not the kind of person who dislikes horror movies or downer endings. I'm a huge fan of the "Hostel" movies. I loved "The Descent" and thought it had a perfectly acceptable downer ending. Stephen King is one of my favorite authors and few of his stories have HEA endings.

I would have been cool with the original ending to "The Mist," the one Stephen wrote. It's one of those classic ambiguous horror movie endings, like the end of "The Birds," where the family escapes the house and drives off among the crowds of resting birds, and you never find out for sure what happens to them or the world. The movie script of "The Mist" did not have an ambiguous ending...it was just one of those really, really horrific and depressing endings.

David and I were so distressed by this movie that we talked about it for an hour afterwards and looked up all the reviews and then then next day talked about it some more. These conversations were not the productive kind where you end up discovering something interesting about life or yourself. They were the critical kind where you just come up with more reasons why the film failed.

My point: If you choose to have an unhappy ending, you have to be willing to be responsible for it. Because people go to the movies and read fiction books primarily to be entertained. Unhappy endings can be informative, or enlightening, or eye-opening, but they are by nature not entertaining. So if you're going to not entertain with your ending, it had better have some sort of meaningful point, or your audience is going to be dissatisfied.

Applying this lesson to my particular case: People read about sex primarily to be entertained, too. If your erotic romance story is going to have an unhappy ending, you better have a good reason for it.

Meanwhile, I'm having a really rough time writing my latest story for this "dark erotic" anthology of mine. It's about Piero and Gilia, original characters in the Romeo-and-Juliet-verse, to use modern parlance. They are cousins, respectively, of R and J, who are having their own romantic problems as the events of Shakespeare's play unfold. "Romeo and Juliet" is one of the saddest tragedies of English literature, so it's difficult for any retelling of those events to be anything but tragic, at least in part. And to have a HEA ending befall a couple of side characters also seems rather pat and offensive to me.

However, I also shy away from taking the route of Piero and Gilia simply experiencing their own parallel tragedy. Why? Because the R&J story is enough of a bummer without dumping more unhappiness on the reader of this tale. I don't want (if you will) to "pull a Mist."

How I will resolve this quandary remains to be seen. (And you thought writers knew what they were doing when they start writing a story...ha!) But I'm determined to be careful and to be mindful that happy endings are not simply a literary device. The human psyche always functions better in a positive environment. Sure, negativity can seem "cooler," more realistic, and even more intellectual, but bringing people down requires them to pay a price they may not have signed on to pay.

We certainly didn't sign on for the ending of "The Mist."

Speaking of "good vibes"--please shoot some my way as I figure out what to do with poor Piero and Gilia. Right now they're dealing with the double suicide of their cousins, which is actually worse than dealing with having just seen "The Mist."

Guys, Go Ahead and Fake It

When it comes to sexy, what guys don’t realize is how effective faking it can be. I mean faking being sexy. When guys lampoon sexy moves, eight times out of ten it works as well as if they were seriously trying. Well, at least it does for me, and every woman I’ve had the occasion to ask said the same thing.

Let me illustrate from one of my favorite TV shows, “How I Met Your Mother.” (But please don’t comment with any spoilers…I’m a jenny-come-lately here and am only on Season 1, Episode 4). Womanizing Barney occasionally gives nice guys Ted and Marshall tips on pick up lines. For example, he teaches Ted the proper way to intone “I’m Ted Mosby, Architect” when introducing himself to a girl. It’s supposed to be comedy, but Ted’s fake sultriness totally works. Marshall (played by the always irresistible Jason Segel) is a big goof from Minnesota, but when he fake-entices women, feigning self-confidence and swagger, it’s likewise completely effective.

Yes, Barney, I know you use every un-original, worn out trick in the book, but sadly, I’m still a sucker for winks, the hand-as-pistol gesture, and the come-hither look.

Another terrific example of faking-it-works principle is my favorite guilty-pleasure movie, “Zoolander.” In this film Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson play rival male supermodels, and have multiple occasions to strut on the runway and pout for photoshoots. I’m not saying they aren’t just as funny as intended…it’s just that they’re also really hot, in a bizarre sort of way. Ben and Owen were not trying to be seductive, they were going for laughs. But the stuff is sexy anyway.

Ironic how the sexiest scenes in the media so often occur in comedies, hey? And you’ll be hard pressed to find stuff like this in your daily life.

You know, guys can be their own worst enemies. For one thing, most of them have an aversion to dancing. The ironic truth is, any guy who isn’t grossly overweight, has a decent sense of rhythm, and is willing to fake that he’s sexy on the dance floor is going to have the chicks eating out of his hand. It doesn’t take Brad Pitt good looks, lots of practice, or some inborn mystique. Honestly, guys, we women are remarkably easy to fool.

For examples, see the afore-mentioned Jason Segel as “freak” Nick on “Freaks and Geeks,” disco dancing. Hot. Or, for that matter, Jon Heder as Napoleon Dynamite in his dancing scene. The crotch thrusting works, even when you look like a total dork when you stand still. Have you seen the school spirit dance Vince Vaughn leads in “Old School”? That move where he beckons with his finger has been replayed countless times by my daughters and I. It’s the little things, gentlemen.

If you absolutely can’t dance, there are other options. Try out this little exercise. Go to a mirror and (1) lower your chin, (2) look out the tops of your eyes at yourself, and (3) affect a serious look. Now tweak that until it becomes as seductive-looking as possible, and practice a few times. Try this look out on women at parties, shopping malls, or church festivals and see if you don’t make a few ladies squirm and giggle. If more men did this, we’d be riled up all the time. (It would also help if eyeliner came into general fashion for men.) A friend of mine managed a look like this for a shot at a wedding he was in, and while he totally did it as a joke, I would have paid cash money for a copy of that photo.

I suppose I should put in here some sort of disclaimer: indeed, I can’t guarantee you 100% that any guy who fakes being sexy will pull it off. I’m just saying that most of the time the difference between hot guys and guys you don’t notice is that the former are good at pretending to be hot. I’ve told you countless times, face and physique matter less to women than self-confidence. Don’t have any particular self-confidence in this regard? You can even be joking, you can even feel ridiculous, but pretend to be serious and we’ll buy it. After you’ve made the gesture and shrugged it off as funny, we’ll laugh along with you…but inside we’ll be filing the scene away as fantasy fodder, and making a mental note that you’re more attractive than we thought you were.

Do a girl a favor today, and pretend you think you’re sexy.

Let’s Hear It for the J’s

Even if you’re unfamiliar with Myers-Briggs personality testing (I’m an INTJ), you will be able to follow my discussion topic for today. One of the scales that Myers-Briggs examines is J (Judging) vs. P (Perceiving). You can tell by the J in INTJ that I’m J. I’m, in fact, very J. My husband is also J, and truly a joy to live with. My first husband was P. That was a challenge.

Okay, so what’s the difference?

J’s plan ahead, P’s figure things out as they go along.
J’s like order and structure, P’s like flexibility.
J’s are goal oriented, P’s are more into the process of things.
J’s act according to principles and plan, P’s are spontaneous.
J’s appreciate and apply standards, P’s are more easy-going.
J’s are organized and orderly, P’s not so much.

When it comes to sex appeal, for a lot of people P’s are a bigger turn-on. Think Captain Jack Sparrow from “Pirates of the Caribbean,” Christian in “Moulin Rouge,” Rhett Butler in “Gone with the Wind,” or Jim on “The Office.” That free-spirit, devil-may-care type just seems like he’d be fun, right?

Well, today I’m here to sing the praises of J-men.

A couple of things set me off on this topic this week: First, I’ve just been annoyed in both my work and personal life by people who are disorganized and purposeless. Second, I just watched this episode of “Dirty Jobs” in which Mike Rowe and a bunch of volunteers cleaned litter and junk out of a cave/sink hole. Mike, like me, was really irked by the people who dumped all this stuff, ruining a lovely natural area, when it was just as easy to discard it properly.

This little incident with Mike seemed to crystallize for me the J vs. P battle. I’m not saying all P’s are litterbugs—lazy and shiftless slobs. But Mike and his band of brave volunteers, some of whom had to put life and limb at risk rappelling into this hole, seemed to symbolize the half of society that wants the rules followed and cares about keeping things orderly. And the dorks who dumped their old washers into this cave represent the half of society that simply doesn’t give a crap about that sort of thing.

Before I digress any further off the subject of sex…. Okay, so there’s a lot about Mike Rowe that is hot, but one thing about him that I really like is that he really does care about keeping the world clean, orderly, safe, and functioning properly. That’s a turn-on to me. So let’s take a look at a few other guys whose J-qualities get me excited.

Jamie Hyneman – “Mythbusters” – Okay, I usually sing the praises of Jamie’s P partner, Adam Savage. But I want to go on record that I realize having to work with Adam would make me crazy, his charms notwithstanding. I love that Jamie is methodical and painstaking, and also that for this reason he nearly always beats Adam in head-to-head challenges. Being capable is a very hot trait in men, and it’s a lot easier to be capable if you are a J: the sort who can make a plan and execute it. Jamie isn’t as cute and funny as Adam, and sometimes he’s kind of gruff and scary, but his J-ness has always made me feel he was pretty attractive anyway. Honorable mention goes to Grant Imahara who I’d say is also a J.

Obi-Wan Kenobi – “Star Wars” – To get a better sense of Obi-Wan’s P-ness, just compare him to his padawan, Anakin Skywalker. While Anakin is freaking out over one thing or another, flying recklessly around Coruscant and losing all focus on the goal of becoming a Jedi, Master Kenobi stays rational and in control. There are a lot of sexy P-men in this category, the cool, controlled type who make a woman feel safe and in good hands. It also helps that Obi-Wan is single-mindedly dedicated to serving the Force and doesn’t interpret rules of conduct based on his current emotions. That trait can be seen frequently in military heroes of real life and fiction and to me is always attractive.

Admiral Adama – “Battlestar Galactica” – Speaking of military men, and being me, I have to mention the Admiral. Interestingly, I think perhaps his J-ness has gotten him into trouble this season. (I didn’t like the show as much in 2008, for a variety of reasons, including that Bill hasn’t been at his best.) The chaotic shifting in goals, the lack of certainty as to who is the true enemy, and so on, have taken their toll. I know that I, as a J, would be hard-pressed to keep from cracking. The discovery of the identities of the Final Four of Five Cylons reduced the stoic, strong, grim man I’ve adored into a blubbering guy in a bathrobe. Okay, so I’ll admit it’s not always easy to be sexy when you’re a J.

Dwight Schrute – “The Office” – Now dweeby Dwight is not your classic sexy guy. But in my opinion, when his J qualities come to the fore, he can be almost alluring as well as hilarious. There is no gray in Dwight’s world, and sometimes that’s very refreshing. He is never afraid to leap into a heroic role, take charge, enforce the rules, and act upon on his principles. A lot of people might consider that the definition of a fun-sucker, but some of us J’s find Dwight’s act a turn-on. Right, Angela?

Sawyer – “Lost” – Okay, I threw Sawyer in here because at first blush, a lot of you might think he’s actually a P. Doesn’t he seem like the wild, fly-by-night type? Well, hold on, think about it. It takes planning and organization to be a con artist. Even having given up that trade, Sawyer’s the one who bartered to collect what he needed to enhance island life, from drugs to paperbacks and reading glasses. He has a strong and stable personal code and sticks to it. He’s not the one who cheated on Kate, remember! And Sawyer never blusters off into the jungle without a plan. He’s the perfect illustration of how a J-guy can still be exotic and interesting and hot.

And speaking of Lost, let’s not forget the ultimate in hot J-ness: Benjamin Linus. Need I say more?

My Own Personal Jesus: Victor Garber

I know what you're thinking: Just how do I plan on writing a post about Jesus for Erotica with Soul?

Remember, you can experience erotic influences when sex is the further thing from your mind. This will be my case in point: my personal experience with the 1973 film "Godspell," which I just watched again on Easter night.

I was 16 when I first saw this movie. I fell in love with the spirit of this film: the childlike joy of camaraderie and celebration. The whole cast was wonderful: their antics, their clothes, their love for each other, their happiness at the simple pleasures of friends and fun. The songs were wonderful, of course: I listened to this album more often than any other in my life (including even Les Stroud's CDs!).

And I went head over heels for Victor Garber as Jesus. I think I can articulate better now how that happened than I might have in 1973.

I was raised agnostic and up until that point, had very little experience with churchgoing or Christianity. I became a Christian due more to "Godspell" than anything else, really, and eventually found myself a Lutheran pastor's wife, then an Anglican, and briefly a Roman Catholic, before evolving into what I am today...with which I won't bore you. My point is, this movie had an intense and long-lasting impact on my life, and while you can give credit for that to many things (like the gospel for example), you must give some to Victor.

I see now, particularly in view of the man as he appears today, still handsome, but a grayed, mature figure of some dignity, that Victor played Jesus as about as young as a man can be. He was so fresh-faced, so pure, so innocent, and so beautiful in face and voice, he is truly a paragon of youth. In the context of the rock opera, which in classic 70s style is symbolic and stylized, he plays Jesus not at all as the man he was historically, but as an archetype of one aspect of the Messiah: the child of God.

He is the leader of the ten 20-something children in this sweet, careless playground (which in the film is ironically New York City), and he engages himself with teaching them the simplest, yet deepest, lessons: how to play well with others and how to be good children of God. There is no complex theology here, and no Passion-of-the-Christ-style atonement scene either: even the suffering is a kind of play.

But that is the charm of it all, and the charm of Victor Garber's Jesus. Don't forget, I grew up in the world of Vietnam war footage on the evening news, race riots, campus unrest, LSD and Charles Manson. New York City was no playground in 1973. And yet here was a guy in rainbow pants and a Superman shirt, who was gentle, and funny, and tender, and loving. He had a perfect face, an angelic smile, eyes full of light and warmth. He had a voice that would melt your heart. You just wanted him to find you in some dreary urban setting, and take you to a park, and paint something whimsical on your cheek with his slender fingers.

Are you following me now? Yes, it did work because he was a lovely young man, and I was a 16 year old girl. I never had sex fantasies of him--heaven forefend--but I did think of him in ways I would not have done had he been an old man or a woman. It was an erotic pull that bound me to him, that intensified the delight I felt for his music and the humor I drew from his jokes...and the love I felt from him and for him.

And to this day I think that while this is not the most well-rounded portrait of Jesus on film, it does capture with amazing clarity certain aspects of Him, whether you consider Him a historical figure or an archetype. Grown men, in real life, do not exhibit this kind of innocence, this childlike exuberance, this joyful and potent tenderness...but the Son of God surely would.

Victor Garber brought the role to life in a way that truly touched mine...and he will always be my personal cinematic Jesus.

Neil Gaiman: Trembling on the Brink

Today I trembled on the brink of developing a whale of a crush.

Back story: A couple years ago my husband, ever vigilant for guys he thinks I’ll find attractive (see also “Cody Willard is My Type”), pointed out Neil Gaiman on a book cover. Davie’s really good at spotting my type (I’m not bad at returning the favor, either). At the time I looked up Neil on the web and was impressed with his body of work: he’s a fantasy/sci-fi author known for, among other things, authoring the Sandman comics and writing the novel American Gods. Although only four years my junior, he still has the boyish good looks and mop of curly dark hair I find irresistible.

I let the moment pass, and even when Davie asked for American Gods for a Christmas present and read it, I forgot about Neil Gaiman.

Fast forward to a week or two ago when we rented “Stardust.” I loved the script to this movie, as well as the story itself, and noticed in the credits it was based on a novel by Neil Gaiman. By this time the name merely rang a bell—I couldn’t place why my heart skipped a beat when I saw it. I hit Google and remembered my past encounter with the man. I asked Davie what happened to American Gods and he dug it out of the basement.

Today I read the first chapter. The writing style is quite reminiscent of one of my favorite authors, Stephen King. It’s too soon to say how much I’ll like the book, but so far so good. Very good.

And there’s still the problem that I really like what this guy looks like.

Like a fool, I googled him again, and happened upon a 2006 video of him doing a public appearance in relation to his collection of short stories and poetry, Fragile Things. I only had a few minutes to view this hour long video, but I couldn’t resist a peek.

Oh great—he’s British, too.

So I watched and listened to Neil do an absolutely wonderful reading of his absolutely wonderful poem “The Day the Saucers Came.” It was spell-binding really. He’s funny, quirky, and fantastically imaginative, in addition to his looking like that.

I went to his article on Wikipedia and learned he was influenced by, among other people, my beloved C.S. Lewis. And that he wrote the marvelous English screenplay of “Princess Mononoke.” And so on. In short, I uncovered a bunch more reasons to like the guy.

Then I peeked at his blog, and it was at this point that I began to feel true fear.

You see, the biggest threat to a crush is always reality. Infatuations used to be a whole lot easier before the internet. Back then you could find a few reasons to be drawn to someone, then a few reasons why you and he were destined to share some meaningful connection, without having reality thrust upon you. But then technology came along, and even celebrity’s lives can be open books. Neil’s blog, like anyone’s, is full of commentary on what he’s doing, communications with his friends, all sorts of evidence that he is a real and regular human being with a life in progress involving a billion personal details that seem infinitely distant from my own existence.

For awhile there I had been tempted to throw myself into this Neil Gaiman thing: watch the rest of that video, read all his books, get the Sandman comics, etc. But this is happening to me why? Because of that face, that British accent, one movie and one chapter of a book, so WHOA. I know it used to take less than that when I was 20 or even 30, okay, even when I was 40...but I can’t quite do it now.

I’m too scared.

Crushes are always scary things, even for the well-adjusted and non-psycho person who recognizes from the get-go that no real relationship will ever occur. You can’t help fearing the inevitable moment when you either (a) discover something about the person that clashes with your dream of his perfections or (b) start feeling so much that it hurts that you can’t ever meet him. When I was younger I gaily and boldly plunged in, paying no heed to the imminent arrival of such moments. It was worth it for the heady thrill of being infatuated.

But at 51 I am not so energetic. I look back on my crush in 1989 on Kenneth Branagh and marvel at the sheer amount of time I spent researching him, not to mention the money for the library copy machine. Don’t get me started on my Sting phase, which ended up with my not only learning everything about the man, but also studying his hero, Carl Jung, for years. Oh, and then there’s my 300+ page tribute site to Guy Carbonneau. No, I’m just not up for that anymore. For one thing, I have my own career to take care of; these books don’t write themselves you know! LOL

But that said, I also am not of a mind to walk away from Neil Gaiman. Because I am still me, and me is a person who just gets a little excited and fluttery when a guy like this comes along. So I’m sure I’ll read American Gods, and watch the rest of that video, and see what comes of that.

And okay, yeah, I did put him up on my wallpaper. Dang it, he’s just really good looking.

Three Turn-On Moments

Don't you just love those random "Turn-On Moments" that sometimes grace your day? Over the past week or so, I've enjoyed three of these, and I just wanted to share them with you.

The Transformation

I highly recommend the 2007 fantasy movie "Stardust." I had seen the trailer for it and while I was not particularly impressed by the actor who seemed to be the male lead, there was some other really hot guy in the movie that I was on the lookout for. So we rented it from Netflix.

Charlie Cox plays Tristan, an ordinary young fellow whose life takes a turn for the adventurous when he finds a woman (Claire Danes) who is apparently the embodiment of a fallen star. He's a sweet, slightly bumbling guy, kinda cute. Eventually the two hook up with Robert DeNiro's character, Capt. Shakespeare, a fierce and swashbuckling airship pirate who is secretly a gay cross-dresser. Yes, I'm not making that up.

The good captain takes it upon himself to give the two young people makeovers. Not only does Tristan get a very sexy new suit of clothes and fencing lessons, Capt. Shakespeare does his hair. And, this being fantasy, Tristan's hair gets longer. The long and short of it--sorry--is that Charlie Cox IS the hot guy I saw in the trailer, post-makeover. So, all along I'd been watching the very fellow I lusted for in the trailer, without knowing it.

That made him all the more attractive. I guess it's the classic frog-into-prince phenomenon. Not that the pre-makeover Charlie was a frog, exactly...he wasn't bad, don't get me wrong. But the coat, the sword, the hair...well, he really turned into something special. It took my breath away seeing that surprise transformation. And that's a turn-on moment.

Expertise Under Pressure

Many a time I've talked about how nothing's so sexy as talent or expertise. That, of course, is the secret to the sex appeal of 80's TV hero MacGyver, famous for his ingenious ability to devise whatever he needs out of regular stuff he finds laying around.

In a recent episode of "Mythbusters," Jamie Hynemann, Adam Savage, and their Build Team set about to test some of MacGyver's stunts in real life. The concluding segment of the show featured Grant and Tory posing as ultravillains and putting Jamie and Adam into challenging circumstances, to see if they could be as clever as MacGyver.

Our heroes were locked in a small room illuminated by two hanging light bulbs, with nothing else at hand. Would they figure out, as MacGyver did, that you can use a light bulb filament to pick a lock? Well, it took the boys no time at all think of that, and soon they were using Adam's steel-toed boot as a hammer to flatten the filament into a lock pick.

That was amazing enough, but there was still the challenge of picking the lock. Lock-picking is nothing in movies, but who do you know in real life who knows how to pick a real lock in a real doorknob? But wouldn't you know, Adam has some locksmithing in his background. He and Jamie took turns with their makeshift pick as the clock ran down. Adam announced he could feel the tumblers, and after another moment's careful concentration and minute motions, he unlocked the door!



Maybe you had to be there. Okay, maybe you had to be ME and be there. But I was blown away by the fact that Adam pulled off a stunt you normally only see people do on TV and in the movies. You could tell he was a bit amazed himself. I mean wow. I turned to David and said, "If Adam Savage were here right now he could totally do me on the spot." And I meant it too.

That was a big turn-on moment. Seriously, Adam. Sigh.

Erotic Flashback

Over the weekend I was organizing a bunch of old photos and happened to look at the album from when Davie and I were first dating, circa 1992. Backstory: I was recently separated from my gay husband, and hadn't seen any romance in a good decade and more. Imagine my excitement at the prospect of dating. I did marketing/PR at a law firm where Davie was employed in the mailroom. He'd drop off the mail and I'd admire his boyish good looks and cool and quirky fashion sense (like a drink of water in the desert, seeing as this was a law firm).

Davie's a runner and at this time was in his prime, and to put it bluntly, had the best ass in southeastern Wisconsin. Very possibly he still does. I found an old picture I'd forgotten about, of Davie wearing his favorite pants, with the 29" waist and the skin-tight posterior, and a really nice cotton oxford shirt with the cuffs folded up. From behind. It suddenly came back to me how I used to watch him go by when he dropped off my mail. And the time I rode the elevator with him and was all entranced by his brown leather jacket and longish hair and earring.

When you live with someone day in and out, through cleaning up after your cats and having gall bladder surgery and watching countless episodes of "House Hunters," you just get used to him. It's nice now and then to recall so vividly why you were attracted to him when you were practically strangers.

That's a turn-on moment that pays off most of all. :-)

Sexy Killers

Please understand that in real life, murderers are very difficult to find attractive. But in fantasy, when tragedy is extricated from the equation, it's amazing how sexy killers can be. This past week I watched two very different films that made this point quite clearly.

"Mr. Brooks," with Kevin Costner in the title role, is the story of a schizophrenic serial killer addicted to murder and making an effort to beat his addiction. He doesn't fare too well at that, but in spite of myself I found the guy really attractive. It's not that his gruesome habit turned me on, but the fact that he exercised it with such cool cunning. Earl Brooks has ice water in his veins and is painstakingly clever about his little hobby. You can't help but admire his precision, as well as his complete objectivity, as he plots and executes the crimes.

In order to better showcase Earl's "good qualities," the story involves his acquring a novice accomplice equally turned on by the idea of killing, but otherwise a completely different sort of guy. Mr. Smith (Dane Cook) is careless, hotheaded, cowardly, vicious, and without remorse. Earl wouldn't have anything to do with this lout except for the fact that Mr. Smith observed one of Earl's killings and is blackmailing him so he can get in on the murderous fun.

Juxtaposed with the repugnant Mr. Smith, Earl comes across as truly admirable. I asked myself why I reacted this way to a man who gets off on killing strangers. My best answer was that Earl executes his fetish in a manner that, were it any other hobby, would demonstrate that he possesses many exemplary masculine traits.

Above all, Earl is successful at what he does--he is an expert, an artist. He is intelligent, clever, resourceful, determined, and even brave. Up until the actual moment of the crime, when the rush hits, he acts with that kind of manly coolness that never fails to impress. Meanwhile, for all his desire to emulate his mentor, Mr. Smith is half the man Earl Brooks is. He is cowardly, mean, and petty. His lust for murder is unchecked by any kind of intelligence, patience, or caution.

It also helps that Earl does care as passionately about his wife and daughter as he does about killing, and that his more disturbing personality traits have been relegated to his imaginary alter ego (William Hurt). And he really does want to stop murdering people. Funny thing is, he does it so well, half the time you find yourself not rooting as much for his recovery as for his success at crime. And certainly were he to express his talents in some more productive way, he would be a model of masculine appeal.

Even sexier than Mr. Brooks, there is the outlaw Ben Wade, played by Russell Crowe in "3:10 to Yuma." Ben is a dastardly outlaw of the Old West, who has unrepentantly dedicated his entire life to robbery and the requisite killing that enables it. Nevertheless, he is more or less the hero of the film and certainly a completely sympathetic figure. One could attribute this to the charm of the character or the sex appeal of Russell Crowe, but I think there's more to it than that.

In an early scene, Ben hooks up with a barmaid. At this point in the film I really didn't know him well enough to be tickled by this. I mean, it was all well and good that he had a way with words and a gentlemanly allure, but the guy had already been responsible for a whole lot of killing by this point. I had to defer on my judgment for a bit.

Ben began to win me over when he dealt surprisingly fairly with Dan Evans (Christian Bale), the down-and-out rancher whose cattle accidentally got involved in a stagecoach robbery. Ben was certainly under no obligation to reimburse Dan for his dead cattle or his time dealing with them, and yet he handed over the money like the most respectable of businessmen. And as the story progressed, more and more of Ben's good qualities came to the fore, traits almost unreconciliable with his total lack of respect for life and property.

Again, the script used the device of surrounding Ben with weaker men who made him look good by contrast. Greedy businessmen, cowardly lawmen, unfair institutions, liars and cheats of all kinds are at every hand. And then there is Dan, who although sympathetic by virtue of his love for his family and determination to do the right thing, has led a life of failure. His ineffectiveness at providing for his family and earning their faith and admiration is constantly contrasted with Ben's success and ability to command others' devotion. Moral issues aside, Ben is strong and Dan is weak, and your random barmaid will see this a mile off and be attracted to Ben as the better mate.

And it's interesting how hard it was for me, as a female hard-wired to lust after men who are accomplished and successful, to begrudge the fact that Ben's field of expertise was thievery and murder. Likewise, any guy watching this movie is going to admire and envy Ben more than Dan. (The moral side of things is addressed in the film, by the way, but I won't spoil it for you by telling any more of the story concerning the two men's character development.)

The point is, when you're talking fantasy, the fact that a man's forte is killing is not necessarily a strike against him. Murder--especially getting away with it as Mr. Brooks and Ben Wade do--is a tough gig, akin to any great challenge like mountain climbing or building a billion dollar company. Guys who pull it off with aplomb and grace are going to inspire a woman's admiration in spite of ethics.

We just can't help it, any more than guys will be attracted to hot women even if they are emptyheaded and useless. Come to think of it, I guess having the hots for Ben Wade is no more shameful than lusting after, say, Pamela Anderson....

I’ve Found My Soulmate and Her Name is Meg!

...Meg Wood! I don’t often endorse other blogs and sites here, but I have to make a special recommendation for Meg’s Boyfriend of the Week.

Well, what I mean by “soulmate” is that Meg’s taste mirrors my own in uncanny ways. I’ll grant you, if you blog about a new celebrity you like every week or two, you will have a long, long list that most women will share at least in part. But there are definitely some guys in Meg’s pantheon that you wouldn’t necessarily expect every woman to drool over.

Naturally Meg could not be my soulmate if she didn’t appreciate Les Stroud. But she pleads to have his children ASAP, and for all the same reasons I adore the guy. She’s got a long list of my more “commonplace” faves: Naveen Andrews and Josh Holloway, David Duchovny, Sean Bean, Gregory Peck, Dominic Monaghan/Billy Boyd/Elijah Wood, Joaquin Phoenix, Johnny Depp, Ewan McGregor, Owen Wilson, Colin Firth, Hugh Jackman, Keanu Reeves, Tobey McGuire...none of those guys are overly surprising.

Now, however, for the “overly surprising” category, relatively less popular guys that I have adored and/or blogged about: the “So You Think You Can Dance” guys, Mike Rowe, Bill Nighy, Mythbusters Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman, the Serenity guys, Josh Whedon and Anthony Stewart Head, Sam Neill, William Hurt, Kevin Kline, Anthony Hopkins, and Ray Walston.

Yes, Ray Walston! When I saw that name I knew Meg and I quite possibly share the same brain! Or at least libido! I couldn’t believe there was anyone else out there who had a crush on him in “My Favorite Martian” besides me. But Meg did! Will wonders never cease?

Really, there are very few guys on Meg’s boyfriend list (other than those I hadn’t heard of) that I don’t find attractive. Eric Stoltz? Adorable. Chow Yun-Fat? To die for. Morgan Spurlock from “Super Size Me”? I’ll take two. James Spader? Swoon. I even get what she means by the Pets.com Sock Puppet.

I just love that Meg seems to have developed her romantic taste, as I did, based upon a combination of science fiction, Broadway musicals, and admiration for men whose resourcefulness emulates MacGyver. She likes a lot of guys who are quirky, exotic, romantic, heroic, and ingenious. Just reading her analyses (and admiring the accompanying photos) is inspiring, because she really gets (at least according to my particular taste) what makes men spiritually satisfying to women.

Love, love, love it, Meg. I only wish we were both twelve years old and could stay over at each other’s houses making scrapbooks of our fave guys and giggling till one in the morning.

My Sexiest Guys of 2007

Okay, People magazine, I just don’t get the Matt Damon choice. He’s cute, funny, a good actor, but Sexiest Man Alive?

I realize there can never be any kind of consensus on an issue like sexiness, so the question is moot anyway. But a choice this weird just motivates me to make my own list. I blog about sex, isn’t that enough qualification? Okay, I know my opinion counts no more than yours...so write your own list!

Here’s mine:

Sexiest in a TV comedy: John Krasinski (Jim on “The Office”). Now that he’s got the girl (Pam), he manages to be just as adorable, charming and sexy as ever. Even playing ping pong badly.

Sexiest in a TV drama: Milo Ventimiglia (Peter on “Heroes”). I know I’m not alone on this one. Dark, handsome, goodhearted, brooding and tortured, looks great half naked and bruised, plus he is the most powerful superhero in the Heroes pantheon.

Sexiest in a film comedy: Simon Pegg (Nicolas Angel in “Hot Fuzz”). I wish I could tell you why he got to me so; I guess his being a super cop with perfect dedication to his job was some kind of turn-on to me.

Sexiest in a film drama: Daniel Craig (James Bond in “Casino Royale”). I think I’ll get some seconds on this one too. He added a dimension of vulnerability to the Bond package that intensified his allure. I would be remiss not to mention the eyes, of course.

Sexiest villain, TV or film: Zachary Quinto (Sylar on “Heroes”). Gotta give it to him this year, he just brings superpowered-blacksouled-serial-killer to a whole new level of hotness.

Sexiest dancer: Danny Tidwell (runner-up in this year’s “So You Think You Can Dance”). The looks, the body, and one hell of a samba. Honorable mention to third place Neil Haskell who shines mostly by humor and charm, but pulled sexiness out of his tights a time or two as well.

Sexiest singer: Les Stroud. I’m not about to deny Les his due here, and if you don’t believe me, listen to “Nice Tattoo.”

Sexiest speaking voice: Mike Rowe (“Dirty Jobs,” “Deadliest Catch,” Ford commercials, etc.). The rest of him ain’t bad either, but I could listen to him talk all day, even about poo and crabs.

Sexiest in a reality show: Les Stroud encore (“Survivorman”). Call me biased, but I really think a national vote (wait, let’s include Canada) would back me up. The commentary in the blogosphere sure suggests it.

Sexiest entertainer who doesn’t sing, dance or act: Criss Angel (“Mind Freak”). We all find magic sexy but this guy blows away all competition. He’s one of a kind, this one.

Sexiest sports figure: Mark DeRosa (Chicago Cubs). I have to qualify this by admitting I’m a rabid fan of the Cubbies, but Mark deserves the title. He’s hot, nice, talented, hardworking, and a team player. Honorable mention to Peyton “Laser Rocket Arm” Manning who may not be sexy but steals the show both on the gridiron and any commercial in which he appears.

Sexiest guy, mature category: Edward James Olmos (Admiral Adama, “Battlestar Galactica”). At age 60, E.J.O. has a strong, wise, gentle dignity about him. As Adama, he can be father figure and alpha male all at once. Works for me.

Sexiest guy, barely-legal category: Shia LaBeouf (actor, “Disturbia,” “Transformers,” etc.). Okay, he’s 21 now but he doesn’t look it. Shia has a shy, youthful charm with just enough innocent sexiness to attract without freaking you out. Runner-up props to 18-year-old Corbin Bleu (“High School Musical”), who in my opinion totally outshines Zac Efron.

Sexiest person if you base your choice on Google searches leading to my blog: Cody Willard (Fox Business Network, hedge fund manager). 2.3% of searchers, people, can you believe it? I have a feeling all those hits are due to the fact that investors are so surprised to see the third result in Google for Cody is a blog called “Erotica with Soul.”

Matt Damon, eat your heart out.

Male Attractiveness in the 21st Century

David and I just watched Mel Gibson’s amazing film “Apocalypto,” which takes a peek at the lives of Mayans in the Yucatan in the 16th Century. As amazing as this civilization was (and you’d think we’d learn more in school about the peoples of our own continent), it was still pre-industrial, and therefore primitive by today’s standards.

It made me think about the differences between the past hundred years and all of human history in the time that preceded it. Among those differences, of course, is the relationship between males and females of the species. Interestingly, things haven’t changed all that much for men in all these millennia; in “Flintstones” days they chose their mates based on physical attraction, and that’s just as true in 2007. I’m not saying today’s men are Neanderthals; I’m just saying they are turned on by pretty women and always have been. When it comes to marriage, they will seek other traits as well, but when it comes to mating (and sex is mating), looks are generally enough.

Women, on the other hand, are in a whole new boat. Just as genetically men are hard-wired to seek beautiful mates, women are hard-wired to pursue men who are competitively successful, skillful, and good providers. In days of yore, that meant men who were strong, smart, and/or talented...men who could protect you from enemies, hunt well, and perform the skills to keep a comfortable home.

But over the past century, industrialized society has meant big changes. Women don’t need men to provide safety, food, or shelter. Competition, which at one time literally determined who lived or died, and who won the quality females, has now been relegated to the arena of play. Successful athletes still attract women, but the majority of men don’t compete for mates in this manner. Their natural competitive urges are typically channeled into things like fantasy football, PlayStation, and flaming each other on Internet bulletin boards.

These things don’t really turn women on. And because they still yearn for the strong, smart, and talented, they will often find it in celebrities: movie actors, TV stars, singers and dancers, athletes. I’m starting to understand why nowadays we have so many reality shows like “Survivorman,” “Top Chef,” and “Design Star” and women love them. It’s just great to see men demonstrating any kind of prowess. The problem in this is that it can be very frustrating; not only are these men unattainable, in real life they aren’t necessarily particularly good catches.

We’ve come a long way, baby, and I’m not complaining about either the “emancipation” of women or the technological advances of society. But let’s face it: women have had to adjust their male-seeking radar. Even since the late 60s when I went through puberty, the accepted idea of the ideal man has changed dramatically.

I grew up learning to lust after the swashbuckling space lothario Captain James T. Kirk. He was later replaced by the charming, dignified Jean-Luc Picard, who nevertheless at least was a strong, handsome figure (weren’t we all turned on when he said “Engage!”?) DS9’s Captain Sisko was a step forward in terms of empowering blacks, but he was at times so conflicted as to be almost an anti-hero. And then came “Voyager” and the inevitable female captain.

Well, political correctness dictates that we all should have been happy, and I guess we liked Captain Janeway well enough, but it left us women with no commanding male figure, and the male viewers all complained that she wasn’t young and pretty enough. Naturally. Well, as you might expect, they got the incredibly hot Seven-of-Nine to make up for it. Meanwhile out of the male cast, I found the most engaging character was the balding, gentle, slightly goofy holographic Doctor. Interesting, nice, but not sexy.

Forgive me, non-Trekkies, for that illustration, but it perfectly demonstrates the sort of thing that has been going on over the past 40 years. Men have, in a sense, been castrated, and meanwhile women’s basic natural tendencies have been lost in the shuffle. It’s true that our more enlightened culture has made great improvements in many ways (and didn’t I just blog about how dreadful the 60s attitudes were towards women?!?). But if women are finding it hard to be motivated to choose mates, or to be aroused by men outside the entertainment field, or to be satisfied in their sex lives, I really have to think this is a factor.

The hero of “Apocalypto” knew how to hunt, and how to make weapons from plants and rocks. He could build deadly traps and out-think/out-maneuver his enemies. He could run and climb and leap with a couple bad arrow wounds. He could rescue his loved ones. This kind of man will impress today’s woman with all her sophistication, despite the fact that he can’t speak English, pay for an expensive car, or win the football pool.

So, do I have a conclusion here? A recommendation, an eye-opening revelation? Not really. But ladies, if some night you are lying in bed and can’t think of a single male to fantasize about, this just might be part of the reason.

At least they’re still making James Bond movies.

Real Life Renaissance Men

My regular readers know I do tend to focus on fictional heroes. I’ve blogged endlessly about fantasy men like Admiral Adama, Jack Sparrow, and Rhett Butler. Even when I turn my attention to real men, it is usually some celebrity who by that token is somewhat larger than life. I mean, if you’re talking about someone who got his own show, it’s not so surprising that he be able to survive in the wild, write beautifully about the wilderness, film his own escapades, and compose and play the soundtrack. Okay, I’m still impressed, Les. But you get my point: it’s easy to find men to admire and lust after in the fantasy world of books, film and TV.

But can’t a girl find one of these guys in “real life”? Aren’t there any “Renaissance men”--guys who can excel with right brain and left--in our homes, shopping malls and offices? I don’t need to sleep with these guys (happily married, remember!), but it does the soul good to find them anyway.

As a matter of fact, I do know a real life Renaissance man. He’s a great friend of mine and my husband’s, also happily married, and if there were more people like this guy in the world, I think we’d all be happier. John (yeah, that’s his real name) has managed to excel in such a variety of ways, it truly boggles the mind.

John studied music in college and to this day plays wonderful classical guitar. He can do rock too (always a plus in my book). I could listen to him play all day; if only I could keep him in my closet to pull out whenever I’m in the mood for live music. But on the other side of the brain, John is a total computer whiz. He can build ’em, network ’em, troubleshoot ’em. Hardware, software, he’s your man. This is an even better reason to store him in a handy closet, hey?

John’s a voracious reader--for example, I believe he read all the Tolkien books before puberty. He’s quite a good pop culture guy as well--TV and movies and music. Meanwhile he can also talk sports--even hockey--intelligently. He can put together a grill and choose nice décor pieces. And dare I mention it...he’s also a fabulous cook.

If you’re starting to think I’m making this guy up, read on.

So, clearly John’s brain is pretty impressive, but wait, there’s more. He’s also damn amazing in the brawn department. He’s run marathons and recently moved on to triathlons, seeing as he’s also a good swimmer as well as cyclist. Yeah, the cycling: he does 100-mile rides on a regular basis. Meanwhile, he’s studying yoga and planning a trip to India for intense training. And he also took up mountain climbing and negotiated Mount Rainier the same week a couple climbers were lost up there.

Yep, he can do the outdoor thang, not quite as well as Les Stroud, but with similar enthusiasm. He loves to hike, camp, backpack, and takes excellent photos of his adventures as well.

It might have been easier thinking of things John can’t do. Okay, not much in the way of arts and crafts, and I haven’t seen him shoot pool.

The cherry on top is that John is a really thoughtful, generous friend. The whipped cream is that he’s also really cute.

Sigh.

You have to be wondering what kind of woman snags a husband like this. Well, John’s wife is also thoughtful, generous and cute. She has a doctorate, also cycles and is the true yoga expert in the family, and has extensive training in martial arts. She’s just as smart as John (have to be to be a scientist) and keeps up with him in all his adventures, which is certainly more than I could ever do.

Am I jealous? Not unless I become a widow, LOL. My own David, although he doesn’t have quite John’s repertoire, is an accomplished runner, can build a computer too, and has many irreplaceable qualities like his ability to do ventriloquism with our cats. He has nothing to worry about, there is only one David.

I’m just thrilled to be friends with a guy like John, a real, true, living Renaissance man. (And by the way, he looks great in Renaissance clothes, too.)

Know any real life Renaissance men? If so, do post and tell!

The “M” is for “Machiavellian”: The MPAA Rating System

A couple nights ago my husband and I watched the fascinating Kirby Dick documentary “This Film is Not Yet Rated.” Let me just say, the MPAA has established a completely un-American, unconstitutional form of policing the film industry that just blew our minds. Rent the DVD and find out the whole crazy story. (But not from Blockbuster: their MPAA policy means they won’t carry it...yet another reason to sign up for Netflix!)

For the purposes of this post, I’ll just discuss one aspect of the documentary, its revelation of the interesting standards of the MPAA’s raters when it comes to sex. (Insofar as one can determine any standards, for this bunch is as whimsical as it comes.) First of all, it’s amazing the extent of violence a film can get away with and still merit an R rather than an NC-17, compared to the level of sex. Anyone who’s seen “Saw 3” has to wonder why the raters thought that movie was acceptable for teen viewing. On the other hand, the 2003 film “The Cooler” was given an NC-17 for the mere reason that one love scene permitted a glimpse of Maria Bello’s pubic hair (and it was a tender scene between two people in love, not anything purely gratuitous like that infamous Sharon Stone shot). Maria Bello won a Satellite and was nominated for a Golden Globe for her performance, by the way.

The documentary also demonstrates pretty convincingly that the same scene performed by heterosexuals will pass for R, whereas if performed by gays or lesbians it gets an NC-17. I suppose in view of popular public mores, I’m not surprised by that (although I’m not pleased either). But what irked me the most was that in more than one instance, the raters slapped an NC-17 on a film because the women simply had too long of orgasms.

Huh?

Truly, they appear to have a beef with women having too much fun. Mind you, the camera is on the woman’s face here. Nudity or explicitness or penetration are not the issue. The problem is the obviousness of the woman’s pleasure.

Now I just had to wonder what kind of society judges the age-appropriateness of its entertainment on these sorts of standards. Women can be beaten, raped, and murdered by psycho-slashers, and we’ll let our teens see that, but if the ladies enjoy themselves in bed, that’s right out.

This really scares me.

Kirby Dick asked director Kevin Smith (one of my personal heroes) if he were in charge of the firm rating system, what sort of standards he would use. Kevin said he would most harshly judge those films that showed the violent humiliation of women. The documentary showed a quick montage of scenes from R-rated films guilty of this charge, and it was a slice of cinematic horror.

Meanwhile, interestingly, I most of the scenes the MPAA objected to which were shown in the documentary to be examples of thoughtful, artistic cinema. I truly felt for the directors interviewed, as they struggled with the absurdity of the MPAA requirements that nevertheless they were forced to address, lest their films suffer certain box office death. (Under today’s film distribution and marketing systems, NC-17 is indeed the kiss of death.) And monetary considerations aside, these filmmakers simply did not want huge portions of their potential audience led to believe the message and/or content of their films was prurient.

As a writer of fiction with erotic content, I thank my lucky stars I’m free to create, release and promote my work without a watchdog like the MPAA breathing down my neck. And the fact that the members of the ratings and appeals boards are kept secret, not monitored by any body outside themselves, and accountable to no one is downright Machiavellian.

And lastly, how sex got such a bad rap with these people is simply beyond my comprehension.

Women I Would Do/Be

My husband (like all men) wonders how many women would be willing to have lesbian sex, even if only once. I personally find it hard to believe that the figure wouldn’t be nearly universal. My daughters and I are all three firmly in the hetero camp (two of us life-long boy crazy goofballs), but we all admit to girl-girl crushes from time to time.

I’m not too shy to fess up to my total availability to certain members of my gender, and you can bet I’d have David’s blessing on it too! To back that up, I’m providing here for you my current Top Ten List of Women I Would Do, in no particular order (or all at once! just kidding):

• Natalie Portman
• Keira Knightly
• Halle Berry
• Heather Locklear
• Evangeline Lilly
• Morena Baccarin (Inara Serra from “Firefly”)
• Elizabeth Mitchell (Juliet Burke from “Lost”)
• Mary McDonnell (Laura Roslin from “Battlestar Galactica”)
• Neve Campbell
• Alyson Hannigan
• Tilda Swinton (The White Witch from “Chronicles of Narnia”)

Now, while coming up with this list, I thought of a number of women who I also find very attractive but for some reason wouldn’t feel quite right putting on the other list. I would just love to be any of these ladies. Here are ten of them for your perusal too:

• Kirsten Dunst
• Meg Ryan
• Sarah Michelle Gellar
• Reese Witherspoon
• Julie Bowen
• Renee Zellweger
• Kate Winslet
• Gwyneth Paltrow
• Emma Thompson
• Kathleen Turner

Go figure. If any of the first ten propositioned me, I would be all over her like white on rice. But if any of the second ten raised the suggestion, I would go, “Eek, uh, no! But could I borrow your face and body for a few days and use then to flirt with men?”

Now isn’t that interesting?

I’ll be danged if I can find any explanation for why a woman falls into one category or the other. First I thought maybe it was a case of if I can identify too much with the woman, I feel weird thinking about sex with her. But I’ve certainly identified with Juliet on “Lost,” and with Willow on “Buffy.” Then I thought it was just the sexiness factor, like maybe the women on the “Be” list were more beautiful rather than sexy. Problem is, nearly all of them have seemed very sexy to me on many occasions (Kathleen Turner, when is she not?). Hair color? Well, the “Do” list is 70% brunette and the “Be” list is 70% blonde. Humph.

Okay, how about the idea that I’m turned on more by the type who is overly seductive? That makes sense since I would certainly be more the submissive one in such a situation. Except half the “Do” List are actresses who nearly always play sweet, innocent types. Or maybe it’s strictly physical appeal? Except Mary McDonnell is mature and hardly supermodel material, and she’s a “Do,” while Julie Bowen is one of the most gorgeous women ever born, and she’s a “Be.”

I guess this just proves some aspects of the erotic in life remain inexplicable even to me, who usually claims to have it all figured out.

Hey ladies, please post your “Do’s” and “Be’s,” I’m so curious to see how other women feel on this issue!

Whatever Turns You On

Never a week goes by that I’m not reminded of the challenge of writing fiction with any kind of erotic element. Unfortunately, sex is an arena that is more individually personalized than any other aspect of psychology. What turns one person on can not only do nothing for another, it may actually turn that person off.

We are aroused by different circumstances, different environments. We all have particular “types,” and may or may not share them. Finding common ground can be very difficult, and forget about finding someone exactly like you. Is there anyone other than me out there who is attracted to the same set of men I have blogged about here (say, Admiral Adama, Mr. Tumnus, Survivorman Les Stroud AND Jim Halpert from “The Office”)? Anyone who worships (chastely of course) John Williams while also lusting after an assortment of hockey players? Anyone who loves sex scenes but is no fan of C-words? How about anyone who enjoys the occasional “movie for mommies and daddies who love each other,” but finds the usual erotic book cover—naked torso of ripped guy—completely unappealing?

Anybody out there scoring 100% with me? Didn’t think so!

Okay, here’s a good example of how very particular we can be about our arousal triggers. A number of years ago I read Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty Trilogy, because I was a big fan of her vampire books and also liked reading erotica. For those unfamiliar, these three books are intensely S&M in character. I’m not saying they aren’t well written, and I’m sure hold great appeal for many in the D/s community, but they were not especially erotic to me…more icky, actually.

However, I’ve always been very intrigued by dominance and submission. Taken to a certain degree, it’s one of my biggest turn-ons. I’ve read a couple of the current popular authors in the D/s genre, and while the sex scenes were too extreme to me, I did find the elements at play very interesting. Meanwhile the D/s movie “Secretary,” with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal, was one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen. And I had a wonderful time writing my novella “The Scarlet Shackle,” although the content was not acceptable to my publisher at that time (it’s now offered by the Living Beyond Reality Press READ FREE Project, if you are interested). It is very mild D/s, but has appealed to many over the past couple years and even been endorsed by a popular D/s website. See? Some hate it, some love it.

My point is, even on this one issue—dominance and submission—there is a spectrum, and a person falls into a very narrow band upon that spectrum. The D/s fiction I enjoy may be horrifying to you, or far too tame. Ditto every other approach to sex.

It’s for this reason that I’ve hesitated to leave behind the short story/novella fiction length. I’m always hopeful that by including three to twelve tales in a book, so that even if the reader isn’t crazy about one, hopefully they will enjoy another. I know this from experience, from buying erotic anthologies over the years: there’s one or two stories in the book that are really arousing, and the rest will probably just be interesting, with one or two clunkers in there that just do nothing for me at all.

But a person can make herself crazy trying to write original, interesting fiction that includes sex. Is there enough, or too much? Will it be hot enough for people who demand “dirty words,” while not turning off the more sensitive? If I make the hero the computer geek sort of guy I’m attracted to, will I lose 95% of my audience immediately? If he’s nice will the bad boy lovers hate him; if he’s bad will he lose the reader’s sympathy?

And you wouldn’t believe what an issue it becomes even deciding if the label “erotic” is appropriate!

Long story short, fiction is no substitute for individual imagination. When a person invents a sexual fantasy for herself, it is custom-made. But when that person opens a romance book, unless it’s very formulaic and that reader is way into that formula, it becomes a total crap shoot. Naturally I write what arouses me. Whenever I get into an argument with myself about how much a particular passage or story is going to arouse someone else, I’m lost in the quicksand in no time. You just can’t even shoot for that goal.

Although I’m getting the impression if I wrote about some office guy who looked just like Jim Halpert, an awful lot of you would like it!

Holiday Dreams Diana Style

Why is Christmas time so romantic? Well, that’s a question for another day. But I thought I would indulge myself and envision my own personal perfect romantic fantasy Christmases. Here goes:

Christmas Fantasy #1: A Cozy Scottish Holiday with James McAvoy

James as Mr. Tumnus in “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” is just about the coziest thing in history. He wouldn’t necessarily have to be a faun to be cozy, just wear a wintry scarf and host a tea party in front of a hearth. Our celebration could certainly take place in a cottage in his native Scotland, and he would definitely need to speak in his natural Scottish brogue. Imagine curling up with him with a mug of mint tea with cream, gazing into the fire and listening to him tell of Christmases in Scotland. Ah, I’d be a happy lassie….

Christmas Fantasy #2: A Joint Heroes/Lost Party

Should we hold it on the island or in New York City? It wouldn’t really matter, with John Locke, Charlie, Sawyer, Peter, Hiro, Mohinder and Isaac all in the same place at the same time. Okay, you Jack fans, he wouldn’t be bad either. I think the most fun to have with this crowd would be if we all sat around with some leftover Oceanic Airlines booze and tried to figure out how the plot lines of the two shows might possibly be connected. Maybe the Dharma Corporation is behind the genetic manipulation that created the heroes? Maybe Hiro is distantly related to the guy in the hatch training film? Maybe John Locke is one of the heroes (that miraculous healing of the legs, ya know)? At any rate, we’d all have to drink another toast every 108 minutes. What a blast.

Christmas Fantasy #3: Christmas on the Canadian Shield with Les Stroud

I’m not envisioning spending the holiday with Survivorman in one of his usual inhospitable settings like the jungle or the desert. Nope, I’d rather have him show me the splendor of Canadian winter in his neighborhood in Ontario. Some sledding, some snowshoeing, and all that cold beauty…appreciated as only Les can. And of course, we’d end up in front of a fire warming our toes, with Les singing carols and playing guitar. You know, I have endless admiration for his wife Sue, who bravely supports her husband’s hazardous lifestyle, and I hope she wouldn’t mind my giving Les one Christmas kiss of thanks for all the joy he brought me this year.

Christmas Fantasy #4: An Office Christmas Party with “The Office” Crew

I’m not denying the best thing about hanging out with the Dunder-Mifflin crowd would be catching Jim Halpert under the mistletoe. But I’d love to spend time with the whole gang. I would shamelessly encourage Michael’s ridiculous sense of humor, talk “Battlestar Galactica” with Dwight, and become best pals with Pam. Then we could all head over to Chili’s for drinks and get really crazy. (I’d have my eyes on Jim the whole time in case he made one of his classic faces at the videographer.) And if Toby was all alone for the holiday, I’d be happy to keep him company.

Christmas Fantasy #5: Feliz Navidad with Edward James Olmos

EJO is the first person of Mexican heritage I’ve crushed on, so it’s been interesting for me to find a romantic element in that old Jose Feliciano song this year. It would be lovely to have a tour of Mexico at holiday time with Eddie, and knowing the kind of guy he is, I’m sure the experience would be more about the reality of Mexican culture and history than any margarita-sipping-at-a-Cabo-resort kind of thing. The man has one of the most loving hearts I’ve ever encountered, and he pretty much embodies the spirit of Christmas. I’d love to just sit with him and watch a Mexican sunset, and listen to him talk about the unity of the human race in that magnificently beautiful voice of his.

Christmas Fantasy #6: Home for the Holidays

Yep, I have to admit, my best fantasy of all for Christmas is the one that will really come true: Spending time with my own wonderful family. I must confess we know how to do Christmas up right, and I can’t wait for the annual fun to start. Although I’m sure David and the girls would be quite thrilled if all my fantasy friends were able to join us. (Yes Davie, Evangeline Lilly is invited too.)

Merry Christmas everyone!

The Perfect Face

Hey, I think I found it: the perfect face.

I spotted this guy on a Calvin Klein TV commercial and decided to test my googling skills and try to find out who he is. I was successful, but while this gave me occasion to gloat about my ability to google, I was a little chagrinned concerning my Celebrity IQ...apparently Gabriel Aubry has been around awhile and is well known for dating Female Perfect Face Halle Berry.

So, for my PC wallpaper I replaced my homemade Commander Adama collage (if having spent time on such a thing isn't a mark of geekdom, I don't know what is) with Gabriel Aubry. It was a bit of an experiment, really. I want to try to discern if a pretty face is enough to serve as, if you will, erotic inspiration, so I'm going to give this guy some "face time" on my computer.

[Let me digress a moment. One thing I've found quite interesting already is the whole concept of a "perfect face." Obviously there isn't one. I found that out last year when I read about scientists trying to create the universally appealing perfect male face, computer generated of course. I couldn't believe how not attractive I found the result. I mean, he was okay...but did nothing for me. Gabriel Aubry, on the other hand, has perfect hair, flawless features--if he showed up on my doorstep claiming to be a god, I'd believe him. Interestingly, however, I queried every other female in the room (my mother-in-law and my two 20-something daughters) and they all said, "he's good looking, but not my type." I personally find this hard to fathom, but it just goes to show you, nothing is so perfect as to transcend taste.]

So, how's the experiment faring? Well, I can't say that looking at Gabriel isn't nice. It's an experience rather like eating chocolate...I can see how apt the expression "eye candy" really is. However, I find it impossible to fantasize about him at all. There's nothing there, know what I mean? He's a male model, so he makes his living looking good, but apart from that I have no material to work with. Consequently, I really can't work up any passion about the guy. He only moves me in a very slight, shallow way.

Whereas you can take any of my celebrity obsessions of the past year and it's completely different. James McAvoy in the role of Mr. Tumnus is sweet, charming, cozy. As Leto Atreides from "Children of Dune" he is powerful, mysterious, and tragic. M. Night Shyamalan (at least in my view) is brilliant and inspiring, a multi-talented artist. Survivorman Les Stroud is funny, courageous, resourceful in the extreme, and beautiful in soul. And Admiral Adama, with his marvelous gravelly voice, is the quintessential leader and father figure, stern but tenderhearted. Each one of these men/characters move me emotionally and spiritually, and consequently any physical appeal they possess is enhanced.

Enhanced to the point where each one has a face that strikes me as perfect.

So, I have a feeling it won't be long before the 60-year-old, worn face of Admiral Adama is back on my wallpaper. Now that's a handsome man....

Halloween Costume Hotness

I love costumes and if I had my way, we’d get to wear them more often than just at Halloween.

First of all, I get a ridiculous thrill out of wearing certain kinds of costumes. Now, obviously it doesn’t work the reverse way for men, but if you’re a woman it’s very cool to dress up as a female version of your favorite heroes. In the past I’ve done this many times: I was a hockey goaltender back in 1998 (specifically Ed Belfour of the Chicago Blackhawks), a Jedi knight in 2002, and a pirate a la Jack Sparrow in 2003. I have to admit, every time I’ve walked into the office Halloween party in one of these personal hero type costumes, I had the shivers.

Costume parties also offer a great opportunity to see guys dressed up in extremely cool outfits that totally outshine the sexiness of normal fashion. I’ll never forget the year one of my co-workers came dressed up as Braveheart’s William Wallace, complete with kilt and blue face paint. This year he wore the most fabulous Batman costume, while another associate was dressed as Clark Kent (with Superman costume underneath). As silly as it sounds, this pair of pretend superguys really tripped my trigger. Gives you a taste of what it would be like in the actual presence of a real superheroes, huh? Yeah, yeah, I know--there’s no such thing, right, right. Meanwhile, for those of you who recall my recent obsession with fauns, another co-worker of mine who is also quite handsome chose to come as Saturday Night Live’s Goatboy, but looked a lot like Mr. Tumnus from Narnia to some of us. Sigh....

So am I the only one geeky enough to experience this stuff at Halloween? I have a feeling not.

Let’s digress to other situations when costumes are the order of the day. Going to Renaissance Faires is fun for the shopping, the ale and the horses, but let’s not kid ourselves. The best reason to attend is seeing the guys in tights and jerkins and doublets and armor. It’s funny how you can stand next to a man in an outfit like that and your blood just heats up. Jeans and a tee shirt rarely do that, you have to admit.

Or, try a Holiday Folk Fair. We have one in Milwaukee that incorporates dancing teams from every possible ethnic persuasion. That means more tights, more kilts, more men making you wish you could get in the Wayback Machine and enjoy this eye candy every day.

I realize science fiction conventions simply make a lot of people laugh, but there are reasons why they’re hugely popular with a large portion of the population, and one of them is the costumes. Klingons are kinda geeky, but they do sport very awesome uniforms. And no matter what you think about George Lucas’s talent at filmmaking, there’s no denying the Jedi uniform is damn sexy. Gotta love the long black coats made popular in the Matrix movies too.

I suppose there’s just something basically sexy about the exotic element in costumes...the fact that they are out of the ordinary. Think about how superheroes always sport costumes, and even the basic cape-and-tights outfit Superman wears has appeal on a guy with a Kryptonian physique. It’s interesting therefore to consider the NBC show “Heroes,” in which ordinary folks discover they have individual superpowers. None have costumes (except the cheerleader, of course), and without them they are special, they are heroes, but they simply cannot be superheroes. The Japanese character Hiro drove this point home recently. So far he’s been like everyone else, dressed in everyday clothes. But in one scene he appears out of the future, and is changed into a sort of samurai look for reasons we can only guess and can’t wait to learn from future episodes. In that guise, ordinary, goofy Hiro is suddenly quite awe-inspiring...and even sexy.

Funny how that works.

I think costumes are a sort of physical manifestation of the imagination, and the imagination of course is where all the truly potent erotic stuff goes on. Imagine if you could (like the holodeck from Star Trek, okay have I proved I’m a geek yet?) experience a truly physical version of your sexual fantasies. Wow. Well, wearing costumes, and being around others in costumes, can be a little taste of that, and it can be exhilarating. From Harley fans wearing lots of leather and studs, to Goths with black eye makeup, to punk rockers dying their hair green, we express our sexual needs and interests through costumes. And that’s why they sell a lot of that sort of stuff at your local Naughty But Nice store.

There are people who disapprove of Halloween because of some perceived connection to Satanism or Paganism in the holiday. I think it’s a necessary and healthy occasion to express the imagination in ways we rarely permit ourselves.

So let me know your favorite costume worn by yourself or a friend! C’mon, you know there was that one that really turned you on...

And meanwhile, now that the annual office costume party is over, I find myself as usual already planning for the next one.