I Heart Techies

The other day my husband David and I saw one of those commercials for the “Geek Squad,” IT pros who work for Best Buy and travel around in black, white and orange VW beetles. “Why can’t the Geek Squad show up at our door?” I lamented.

Yes, I came out of the closet years ago as a lover of geeks. I’m not saying taped glasses and pocket protectors are a turn on, but I’m a sucker for all the other clichés. I love guys who play D&D and Half Life 2, collect Star Wars figures, wear software company T-shirts, read Dilbert and Marvel Comics, take Microsoft certification exams, and recite passages from “Lord of the Rings.” I like a guy who is shy and even slightly awkward around a woman he doesn’t know yet, but turns into a technological knight in shining armor when her PC is locked up. When a guy has a huge vocabulary about hardware and has a fabulous theater system at home, it’s hard to resist (if he has any THX-certified components, I’m a goner).

Classic geek characters I’ve found attractive: Mr. Spock, Michael Bolton from “Office Space,” any of Anthony Michael Hall’s characters, Ian Malcolm in “Jurassic Park,” Peter Parker, Clark Kent.

The funny thing is, I seem to be a bit of an oddity. Techie guys don’t guess their irresistibility to me unless hit over the head with it. And my female friends by and large don’t get their appeal. This is baffling to me. I mean, take a look at this list of attributes of the typical tech geek:

He can solve your computer problems for you (that seems to be the one everyone realizes).
He wields that mysterious air anyone possesses who has special know-how.
He makes good money and spends it on cool stuff like big TVs.
He’s imaginative—sure, he likes Seven-of-Nine’s catsuit, but the concept of the Borg intrigues him just as much.
He’s smart and therefore articulate and interesting.
He’s capable—all that troubleshooting develops some great problem-solving skills.

Face it, if we were to apply classic archetypes to the techie, he’d be a cross between a knight and a wizard. Sort of Sir Lancelot and Merlin rolled into one. Is that not a romantic hero for you? What’s not to like?

I recently had to upgrade my computer. I’m quite PC-savvy but don’t keep up on technological developments at all, so I couldn’t begin to guess what processor I should get, what video card, what size hard drive, etc. “Would you like me to spec something out for you?” asked David. In no time he had designed a system right for my needs at the most economical price on the web.

You can bet he got some that evening.

Which Romantic Type Are You?

In my view, there are four basic types of romantics. They are:

Classic Romantics
Modern Romantics
Quirky Romantics
Imaginative Romantics

Now, your sex life won’t necessarily reflect which category you are in (too many extenuating circumstances there), but your fantasy life certainly will. And so I’ve devised a fun quiz that mostly addresses your fantasies and designed to reveal which sort of romantic you are. You can take the quiz on this page. It’s 15 multiple choice questions, and I think that you’ll find figuring out your answers to be as fun as finding out the results.

Once you’re done, not only will the quiz reveal your Romantic Type, but also give you some input concerning your ideal relationship, recommended books and movies for you, and a suggested ebook by Diana Laurence that you can download for free that should appeal to your specific type.

I hope you’ll have some fun with it, and pass along the URL to your friends as well!

Erotic Maturity: That J. Peterman Guy

The source material for this entry is a summer replacement reality show called “Dancing with the Stars,” which proves you can find erotic inspiration just about anywhere.

On this show, celebrities pair up with professional dancers and compete at ballroom dancing. Among the competitors (and so far, leading in the competition) is John O’Hurley, the actor who portrayed catalog magnate J. Peterman on “Seinfeld.” Personally, I found J. Peterman one of the most charming characters on that show: his elegant diction and quirky adventurousness were an irresistible combination.

It seems that in real life, John O’Hurley is likewise both elegant and quirky, and it’s winning him some hearts. With the possible exception of boxer Evander Holyfield (who get points for going up against people who may not be dancers, but at least are experienced entertainers), Mr. O’Hurley is competing with some beautiful people who are either young or look it. Meanwhile, John has steadfastly refused to dye his silver hair in order to get younger roles, although he is in fact an astonishing 47 years old (a couple months younger than yours truly). In this youth-obsessed society, here is a man who is actually happy to look older than he is, as if that gives him some sort of edge.

And the funny thing is, it does.

John makes no attempt to win hearts by raw sex appeal. Instead he goes for grace, good humor, self-deprecating wit, and poise. Maybe he took a cue from the dancing genre, for neither Fred Astaire nor Gene Kelly and certainly not Donald O’Connor were matinee-idol gorgeous. But by looking good on the dance floor, they seemed capable, masterful, in control, and they were very sexy. And the interesting twist is, the amateur John O’Hurley learned these moves from his professional female partner: in truth, she is the one running the show—he’s just trying to follow directions. But the fact that he does so, and humbly and charmingly too, makes him really impressive.

My daughter and I both agreed that something about John O’Hurley’s presence makes you feel safe and cozy. Part of it is that capability his manner demonstrates, but in addition to that, he uses such old-fashioned methods to win hearts: good manners, pleasant diction, a warm smile, a good joke. There are a lot of guys trying to get chicks via tight pants, intense glares, sexy moves. This one is different: He’s using his maturity, the personal grace he has achieved in life, the practice of tried and true techniques of cordiality, and the genuine good humor that is integral to who he is.

Dress such a man up in tails and teach him the cha-cha and the quick-step, and who can resist?

I’ve written about Constantine Maroulis and Hayden Christensen, so I’m not exactly immune to the charms of handsome young men. But the way a man like John O’Hurley makes me feel is an entirely higher level of appreciation. Watching him and listening to him are sheer pleasure, and you can’t help but want more.

All of his 47 years and every silver hair count in this guy’s favor.

Trey & Matt: The Appeal of Guys with Balls

Like a lot of people, I often use photos of attractive celebrities for my PC wallpaper. Right now my desktop features Trey Parker and the Kim Jong Il marionette from his puppet action picture, “Team America: World Police.” Neither one is exactly Brad Pitt, but I’ll tell you why I have the hots for Trey, while my daughter likewise is smitten with his South Park co-creator, Matt Stone.

We dig these guys basically because they have cohunes.

You’ve heard it said about Trey and Matt (the creators of “South Park” as well as “Team America”), that they offer something to offend everybody. That’s because in a culture obsessed with political correctness, these guys say whatever they want. Nevertheless, they don’t choose to offend for the sake of being offensive, just to get attention or create buzz about themselves. These two actually have beliefs, convictions, dare I say moral fiber. The characters they create and the stories they tell are funny, but there’s always an underlying message they want the world to hear.

And if the world doesn’t want to hear it, tough. Trey Parker and Matt Stone do not fearfully filter what they say so there will be no dangerous repercussions. I can hear them saying, “Repercussions? Fuck yeah!” And don’t think that this is just stupid recklessness. If you listen to them talk about what they do, you realize they are angry. There are people and ideas they truly do hate, and they aren’t afraid to say so.

It’s that courage that my daughter and I really admire. Here are a couple of guys who come right out on a DVD and say, “We hate all actors.” In their puppet movie they spoof some of Hollywood’s biggest names without their permission, even killing off their marionette alteregos in the most gruesome ways. Anyone tired of the Cult of Celebrity in this country, and the immense egos of so many actors, will find this just as cathartic as Matt and Trey do. But think about it: These guys make their living in Hollywood. The entertainment field is their social circle. They made a movie in which the top of Janeane Garafalo’s head is shot off, and there’s a real chance they will run into her in a restaurant this week.

But Parker and Stone honestly seem to feel not the least trepidation about this. They are the “dicks” which “Team America” defines as people whose true calling is to “fuck the pussies,” that is, tell the truth in whatever obnoxious manner they feel like, not cow towing to the tender sensibilities of the PC-obsessed. However, they are not “assholes,” the kind of people who shit on everything and make the world a mess. Their offensiveness is employed for the cause of good, and that’s what makes it a good thing itself.

In the venue of creativity, Trey Parker and Matt Stone are like Rambo or Clint Eastwood. Only this isn’t a movie, it’s real life. The price they pay for straight talking is the loss of favor of some very powerful people, but they value their right to speak over anything else, including success and wealth (which, happily, they have achieved anyway by sheer talent).

My daughter and I find this incredibly hot.

Trey Parker is a man with bright blue eyes and boyish good looks (in some of his films, like “Cannibal the Musical” and “Baseketball,” he is really quite adorable). Even better, he is hilariously funny and has a quite lovely singing voice. Nevertheless, I recognize he’s not quite ready for Entertainment Weekly’s “Hollywood’s Sexiest Men” List. Nor unless you let me vote. In my book he and his friend Matt have earned that status in a real way, by having balls.

So when I sigh over his picture with that Kim Jong Il puppet, I’m sure you understand.