Monday, August 01, 2005

Guys…Wanna Be Sexy?

In my ongoing efforts to make the world a happier, sexier place, I thought I’d pass on a few tips to guys who want to increase their sex appeal (assuming there are a few in that category out there). Here’s a short list of some sure-fire ways to increase your desirability to the average woman, and keep in mind, you don’t need to look like Brad Pitt to pull these off:

1. Play guitar. You get ten points for this if you are actually in a band or play professionally (any instrument counts then, including orchestral bassoon). But even if you only play for your own amusement, it counts big. Note: Simply owning a guitar but not being willing and able to demonstrate your ability does not count. Second note: Playing air guitar could give you a point or two if you do it convincingly.

2. Fix cars or do home improvement. These talents do not simply appeal to women because they could save them money or trouble. They also demonstrate your capability, independence and resourcefulness, all very nice masculine qualities. Ask any woman who used to watch the old NBC show “Ed” how she felt when Ed fixed Carol’s plumbing. There’s a double entredre in there but I’ll ignore it for now.

3. Be good with kids. Whether or not a woman has any interest in having kids of her own, your ability to handle them will still get you points. It proves that if she herself ever chooses to be childlike, whether in terms of neediness or desire to play, you will be able to relate to her.

4. Cook. The preponderance of TV shows featuring chefs is hardly due to the fact that everyone in America wants to learn to cook; as always, it’s all about the sex. Women go crazy for guys who can prepare béchamel or chop scallions really fast. Look, if a guy who looks like Alton Brown can seem hot (and believe me, he does), you can too. This is just another case of seeming capable, and it’s also a very sensual skill. Serve a woman a tasty meal—gourmet or simple—and she respond by salivating (interpret that remark as you will).

5. Be funny. I have always believed and always will: the quickest way to a woman’s heart is her sense of humor. I fell in love with David Steinberg when I was 13, and all he had to his credit was boyish good looks and a great standup routine. But man, that guy was hot. Laughter is pleasure, and something in a woman’s brain makes her think that if you can tickle her funny bone, other delights must certainly follow.

6. Do something exotic. Any unusual quirk about you could be a sexual claim to fame. Stuff in this category includes: speak a foreign language, know how to make stained glass windows, raise orchids, collect fine wines, be able to recite sonnets from memory, be an expert on spelunking, etc. If you are Scottish and own a complete outfit in your clan’s tartan, and wear it to your local Scottish festival and for Halloween, you will get chicks in droves.

7. Be able to dance. If you are actually a good dancer, you’ll get ten points for this. If you are willing to learn ballroom dance, big bonus points. If you are merely a decent dancer but are willing to actually get out on the floor, that will get you more points than you think. Women just like a guy with enough confidence to get out and move, regardless of style.

8. Pick something the Fab Five would recommend. It’s a cliché to point out the irony of the sex appeal gay men have, but let me just mention that the topic is worth your consideration. No one’s asking you to become a dyed-in-the-wool metrosexual, and a lot of women, myself included, like guys who drink beer and enjoy sports. But you really will get some points if you dress decently, get a quality haircut, and decorate your space with a bit of style.

9. Understand women’s sexuality. Once you get beyond the superficial and into the realm of intimacy, it will behoove you to have a good grasp on what makes women tick, sigh and swoon. There are plenty of resources out there, so avail yourself. Your knowledge of how to please a woman in bed (or even just on the front porch) will well be worth the effort.

10. Love her. Incurable romantic that I am, I can’t limit myself to just the stuff that will “get you the interview.” If you really want the job long term, nothing is sexier than being the kind of guy who can be sincerely interested, selfless, faithful and devoted. If you merit a zero on this one, she will figure it out before too long. But a ten in this category will cover a multitude of sins. It will definitely get you out of having to take the ballroom dance lessons.


Con said...

Diana wrote: "But a ten in this category will cover a multitude of sins. It will definitely get you out of having to take the ballroom dance lessons."

You have NO idea how you just saved my husband's... _ss! LOL

Diana Laurence said...

Con, you are funny!!! Yeah, same thing with my David...