Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Opposite of Erotic is…PMS?

Okay, today I’m blogging about something rather weird, I know. Here’s why: this morning I discovered that although I’m not actually PMS-ing, I am in a PMS-ey mood. I found it interesting that I actually had a mental picture of a “PMS-ey mood.” And I thought, maybe I could do a nice little public service announcement here about what we women actually mean when we say we’re PMS-ing. I know, cool, right?

Let’s start with the title of this post, and I’ll tell you why I consider feeling erotic or sexy as the opposite of PMS-iness. For myself and many women, erotic feelings are submissive--the “go ahead and do what you will to me” kinda thing. We find whatever male has caught our attention to be authoritative, or dominant, or having potential to please us. The guard goes down, we’re eager to play.

On the opposite end of the scale is PMS. Now I realize a lot of women, myself included, experience PMS as worry or sadness. But today I’m talking more about another very common symptom: crankiness. But be aware: this is no ordinary irritability we’re talking about here. For me, at least, PMS-iness is a particular kind of bad mood.

Here’s the common thread of thinking running through my head during one of these monthly “fits of pique”:

do NOT waste my time
your idiocy is fraying my last nerve
how can people possibly do such lame-ass things?
try that again and I will SO punch you

Now I’m not a biologist, nor a sociologist, but I’ll just open my opinionated mouth and say, I think the PMS thing is like being a guy without any of the other guy traits to keep you in check. Like, most guys seem to me to be equipped with a “bygones” gland. It’s what gives them the remarkable ability to let things go, whether it be a whupping at the pool table or having their girlfriend stolen. (Women are not typically like this.)

So when I’m feeling PMS-ey, I get the aggressive feelings of a male, without any “bygones” element. When a car cuts me off on the freeway, I will follow it and give serious thought to tracking the driver to his garage and slapping him. When people at work suggest ideas they know nothing about and I rejected years ago, I hang up the phone and call them bad names to myself off and on over the next hour. Every smoker I see gets an internal comment, “Way to kill yourself and raise my medical costs, loser!”

I know, pretty mean, right? But honestly, PMS can make you feel like those around you got up this morning with a firm plan to ruin your day. They make one little human mistake and you take it as a personal affront. Everyone is the enemy in some small way, some in big ways.

You know, there’s that old saying that if mothers ran the armies, we’d have no more wars. I say, not if they’re PMS-ey…in that case, here come the nukes! And see how this is quite the opposite of feeling erotic? It’s make war, not love.

Well, fortunately, we women are still civilized creatures. I’d bet you any money no one around me (except perhaps the poor unfortunate Davie) even guesses I am capable of such moods. Usually the only beneficiary of all the ill feeling is my own psyche.

And the funny thing about it is, there’s actually a positive side to having the occasional PMS-ey mood. Seeing as most of the time I live my life trying to be cooperative, affectionate, conciliatory, etc., it’s kind of nice sometimes to unleash my inner bee-atch. You know, get the vitriol out of the system. Because it’s really hard to write erotic romance when you’re gunked up with all that negative aggression.

So anyhoo, I’m sure I’ve really enhanced your lives, guys, by telling you the sorts of things your female significant others are thinking when in a PMS-ey mood. You’re welcome. My pleasure. Grrrrrr. :-)


Anonymouse said...

I get PMS-ey when I am hungry and there's a threat of something (or someone) getting between me and my food. I call it "bite-your-head-offf hungry." It happens usually around noon on weekdays.

Diana Laurence said...

Hilarious, Mouse...well, hilarious from a distance. I wouldn't want to be between you and your food of course!